Page 64 of Body Count

“We haven’t talked much about what happened to you,” Pauline said, “or about the effects it’s had.I think those are important conversations for a future session.But you said that you’re unhappy with some avoidant behaviors you’ve developed.I’d like you to keep another log—”

“You know who would love this log shit?Emery.”

That made her smile—a surprisingly genuine one—and it took her a moment to resume her calm, professional facade.“In this log, I’d like you to do two things.First, I’d like you to list all the things you’re avoiding.If you can, identify why you’re avoiding them, or how they make you feel.Then I’d like you to pick one of them—one of the minor ones, not a big one—and spend a few minutes every day exposing yourself to the thing you’ve been avoiding.This won’t be easy, which is why I want you to pick something small to start.I don’t want you to force yourself.Just find the threshold of when you start to feel uncomfortable and see if you can stay at that point for a few minutes.Then, in your log—”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”Darnell surged out of his seat.It was disorienting, sitting there, looking up at him.He was so big.I always forgot how big he was.How much bigger he was than me.His face was red, and he waved his arms as he said, “He can’t do that!Stay at the threshold—do you know what that’s like for him?He’s terrified!He can’t do that!He can’t!”

Pauline gathered her hands in her lap.“I understand that changing routines and patterns, especially when they feel like they’ve been helping, can be frightening.I think a good homework assignment for you would be to track when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or compelled to fix things, or scared—”

“I’m not scared!”Darnell breathed deeply through his nose, visibly trying to calm himself, but it didn’t appear to be working.I noticed he wasn’t looking at me.“I’m the only one who’s tried to help Gray.I’m the only one who’s been there for him.For a year!And now, because I’ve been supportive, I’m the bad guy!”

“Hey,” I said.“No one thinks you’re the bad guy.”

“Darnell,” Pauline said, “I can tell you care deeply about Gray and about helping him.And your support is going to be crucial as the two of you make these changes—”

“It’s like you haven’t listened to a single thing I’ve said.He’s not ready for all of this.He’s trying his best!”

A thought bubbled up inside me: if I was trying my best, how did we end up here?

But before Pauline or I could say anything, Darnell gulped another unsteady breath and marched toward the door.He shut it hard behind him.

“He’s upset,” I said, which had to be the stupidest thing anyone had ever said in the history of the world.I got to my feet.“I should check on him.”

Pauline nodded, but she said, “It may take some time for him to adjust to the idea that you might need to try several different strategies before you find what works best for you.If you can frame it for him like that, about options rather than about being right or wrong, it might help.”

“Thanks.”

In the parking lot, Darnell sat in his car.The engine was off.In the late afternoon, he had to be baking.

I opened the passenger door and got in.I’d been right: the heat felt packed inside the car, so thick the air was gluey against my skin.Darnell sat with his hands locked around the steering wheel, staring straight ahead.His jaw was set.His color was still high.There was more silver than I remembered, threaded at his temple, and I thought he didn’t look like the guy I’d first met.

“Where does she get off?”he said.Shouted, really, the words echoing inside the cramped space of the car.“What’s her problem?”

“She’s trying to help.”

But he didn’t seem to hear me.“Has she ever seen you when you have to turn on a light?Has shebeenthere?Does she have any idea what it’s like?”

The heat was catching up with me.Sweat broke out on my face.

“A year,” Darnell said.“Barely.Anybody in your position would need time.Time to yourself.Time to heal.And now she thinks you’re supposed to jump in and—and what?And change everything?That’s bullshit.”

He sounded like he was on the brink of tears.At some level, I understood that he was upset.But beneath that obvious, first-level understanding, I felt like the ground had dropped out from under me.Darnell was the one who’d wanted to come here.He’d wanted things to change.

But then, I wondered, had he?What had he wanted?Whatever it was, he hadn’t gotten it.

He shook himself, coughed, and finally looked over.His eyes were bloodshot.“You don’t have to do that stupid homework.”

I almost asked why.But I’d heard the answer already, even if he hadn’t known that was what he was telling me.He’s not ready.

“This was a mistake,” Darnell said.“We’re not coming back here.We’ll find someone else.”

Maybe it was the clarity of having seen myself, if only briefly.Maybe it was the cop in me.Maybe it was that I’d known him for so long, and that I knew him so well.Better, in some ways, than I knew just about anybody.And then I remembered all the secrets he kept, and I was surprised to find a tight little smile on my face.

However I knew, I knew it then.I patted his shoulder, and when he turned to hug me, I put my arms around him, and I said something that must have been the right thing because his shoulders shook and he squeezed me against him.

And I kept thinking, as he clutched me to him: He doesn’t want me to get better.

23

---