Page 80 of Body Count

“Don’t do that.I’m done doing that.”

“Gray, you’re upsetting me.Do you need a Xanax?”

“No, I don’t need a Xanax.Maybe you need a fucking Xanax.”

But I grabbed my vape and hit it.Maybe Ihadslipped out of the frame.Or he had.Or the day was too bright, or—or something.Because he was sitting right in front of me, and I couldn’t see him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this,” Darnell said slowly.“But it didn’t matter.I didn’tdoanything, Gray.I mean, my God, do you think I had something to do with what happened to him?”

I almost said no.Instead, I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think.What matters is that this looks bad.Really bad.And you lied about the hotel too.What else have you been lying about?”

“What do you mean the hotel?”

“I called them.You never showed up.Do you think those detectives haven’t checked?They’ve got shit for brains, but they’ve been doing this for a long time.They probably called the same day you told them that bullshit story.Where were you really?”

Darnell stared at me.The loving concern was gone.The gentle patience had been scoured away.His face was stony.Angry.

“Where the fuck were you?”I asked.

“I can’t believe this.I can’t believe you’d—you’d check up on me.That you don’t trust me.”

“Where were you, Darnell?”

“After everything I’ve done—”

“Don’t give me that!Where the fuck did you go that night?What were you doing?Who were you with?”I tried to stop there, but words exploded out of me.“Everything you’ve done?What, like this is for me?”

He curled his hands around the arms of the chair.Big hands.Because he was a big guy.In a flat, empty voice, he said, “After everything I’ve done foryou—”

“Bullshit.That is fucking bullshit.You’re not doing this for me.I don’t know if you were ever doing this for me.You’re doing this for you because you love it.”

When the words had finished racing out of me, I found myself trying to draw a breath.It was like my lungs had shrunk, though, and all I could manage was to suck in thin, reedy gasps.Black spots fizzed at the edge of my vision.

“I love it.”He sounded like someone else.“I love not knowing where you are.I love watching you fall apart.Freak out.I love watching—” He had to stop.“—watching you fuck up everything good in your life.I love being treated like shit because you feel sorry for yourself and need somebody to take it out on.”

I stood, pushing the chair back, and it skittered across the cement.

His hand lashed out and caught my wrist.He was breathing more harshly now.His color was bad.“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”

I still couldn’t breathe.My voice was barely a wheeze.“Get your hand off me.”

“How fucking dare you?Do you know what this last year has been like for me?Do you have any idea?”

His fingers bit into my flesh.

“It’s been hell!It’s been the worst fucking year of my life!Watching the man I love turn into this—this ugly fucking excuse for a human being, no matter what I tried, no matter what I did.I’m sorry you got hurt, Gray.I am.But have you ever once thought about what this has been like for me?”

Each heartbeat felt like a minute.The cricket was blaring again, and when the breeze lifted again, the little photo of Tip and Darnell fluttered up from the table and tumbled into the neighbor’s yard.I forgot about that, I thought numbly.

I broke Darnell’s hold.He stayed in the chair, looking at me.His face was ashen.He was breathing in those horrible gasps.

“This was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship,” I said.“So you’d have someone to save.Someone you could keep saving.Forever.Just like before I got hurt, all the times you thought you could fix what was wrong with me, make me better, love me into being okay.And before me, just like those girls, when you sat in the fucking trailer, all alone, and playedTo Catch a Predator.So yeah, Darnell.You love this.”

It felt like a long time before he said in a low voice, “You’re sick.”

I nodded and started toward the side of the house.

He called after me, “You’re a joke, Gray.Fucking everything that moves in this town to make yourself feel better.Pretending nothing has changed.That’s pathetic.”

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