Page 135 of Five Fingers of Death

IZZY

Tonight.

I had until tonight to make up my mind. That’s what he was telling me. Why did he have to say anything at the waterpark? The rest of the day, I was watching him play with his daughter, dreaming of his body pressed against mine, and having one hell of a time behaving myself. I wasn’t used to feeling so out of control, but one word from him—one smoldering look—and I was a wreck.

I sat in a lounger, watching as he came down the slide with Carli, laughing as she took a shot of water to the face. That kid was so damn adorable, and my heart clenched as I thought of the child I should have had. She’d be about Carli’s age. Would she have been as beautiful? Would she have survived Zavala?

Sitting here watching them play together only made everything harder. Guilt struck hard knowing that my little girl was gone and all because of who her father was. Why couldn’t she have had a more loving parent? Why would he choose to hurt her like that?

Because he wanted to hurt me.

The hard truth was that I made Zavala mad, however unintentional, and my daughter paid the price. I got her killed, and the guilt I felt was all consuming, making it impossible to breathe at times. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t my fault. But I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her.

I leaned back in the lounger and slid my sunglasses in place, ignoring the burning of tears in my eyes. Tears wouldn’t do any good right now, but I couldn’t stop them from spilling over. I quickly swiped them away, forcing a smile when Jason looked up at me with Carli in his arms.

Oh God, he was walking my way. I couldn’t talk to him right now, not when I felt like I was going to fall apart. I needed to get out of here. My eyes darted around, looking for an escape. Eva was here with the kids, so I couldn’t ask her to get me out of here, but Kavanaugh…

I shot to my feet and booked it across the pool area, hoping he wouldn’t tell me no. I could feel Jason’s eyes on me the whole way. I knew he would be concerned, and I knew Carli would be disappointed I was leaving, but how could I stay and watch this perfect family when I had lost everything?

“Kavanaugh,” I gasped, my heart in my throat.

He turned and took one look at me before taking my hand and leading me away. He didn’t ask any questions or try to get me to talk. The jovial demeanor that was just on his face was now replaced with grim determination to get me out of there. I didn’t even bother with my things. Jason would grab them. I had no doubt about that.

We barely made it through the gate to the parking lot before I started hyperventilating. Gasps left my lips, but no air would fill my lungs. I was going to pass out if I didn’t get some air soon.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kavanaugh murmured, pulling me into his arms. Our wet bodies smashed together, but there was nothing sexual about it. I clung to him, my nails clawing at his skin as my legs shook and anxiety rippled through me.

His hand slid up and down my back, but it wasn’t really him I wanted. I needed Jason, but he had Carli with him, and I couldn’t ruin her day, not because I was having a panic attack about the child I’d lost. It wasn’t fair to her. Hell, nothing about this was fair for a child like her. She’d already lost her mother. She didn’t need someone like me in her life, ruining everything good she had with her father.

I was a mess, a fucking disaster. I would only ruin her life with my fucked up head. Jason would try to help me, but in the end, it would put a strain on his relationship with his daughter, and she had to come first.

A mewling sound slipped from my lips as I broke down in sobs, mourning what I thought would be a positive change in my life. Instead, I already knew I was too screwed up to ever be what they needed in their lives. I didn’t know if I’d ever get over what happened to me or if I could be what Carli needed in her life, and I knew damn well that’s what Jason was hoping for.

“Get me out of here,” I whispered, holding Kavanaugh closer to me.

When he tried to move, I couldn’t let go. Every piece of me was shaking, threatening to fall apart. My body wouldn’t hold me up if he stepped away.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, sliding his hands under my legs and hoisting me into the air. “It’s okay, Izzy. It’s okay.”

I shook my head against his chest, burying my face against him. “It’ll never be okay.”

His steps were swift as he carried me across the lot. I wasn’t aware of much of anything until we stood at his truck and I heard another voice.

“She okay?”

“Not sure. Do you have my keys?”

“Everything’s here.”

“Thanks, man.”

“No problem.”

I heard the truck door open and then Kavanaugh set me inside, brushing the hair back from my face. I tried to hide, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

I shook my head, fighting the tears that were coming hard. I was so messed up. When were people going to realize that and walk away completely? When would they decide they’d had enough of me?

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