Page 106 of The Surprise

He shrugs. “It’s not the eighteen hundreds, Beth. Was I surprised? Sure. But is it a problem?” He shakes his head. “I mean, no. And you don’t need to wear a scarlet letter, either.” His smirk is classic Ethan.

And I was just thinking about the same stupid school-assigned book. Ugh. Sometimes I hate how alike we think. It makes it really hard for me to shove him away. “Ethan, the thing is—”

He stands up then, reaching for my hand.

I’m not strong enough to stop him this time. I like the feel of his strong hand holding mine. I like any part of him touching me. I like seeing how happy he is. I like pretending, and maybe it’s easier because we’re out here in the middle of nowhere.

I know I can’t have him forever, and for some reason, it makes it harder for me to end things. Knowing these are our last few minutes makes me want to cherish them or something stupid like that.

“I think you did it on purpose,” he says, “subconsciously, I mean.”

“What?”

“I think you kept telling me over and over that you weren’t a good fit for me, but I didn’t listen. So when the circumstance arose, you just let things happen that you didn’t even want—to keep me away.”

He thinks this is his fault?

“You said you didn’t even like him, right?” He looks so hopeful. So pathetically, school-boy hopeful. It breaks my heart all over again.

“You may have built me up in your mind as someone I’m not,” I say.

He squeezes my hand. “No way, and look. Maybe I’m wrong about that. Maybe you just got caught up. Or.” He shudders. “Maybe you were really attracted to him.” He shudders again. “But I really don’t care. It’s just that it really seems like you were looking for a way to push me away. You kind of threw that at me, like someone who’s trying to protect themselves from the big, bad wolf by distracting him with a big slab of bacon or something.”

Is he a super genius?

I think about his mother. Some of that probably rubbed off on him, I guess. “I mean, maybe I did throw it at you,” I say. “But not to protect myself. To protect you.”

He pulls me against himself and hugs me. “Or to protect you, if you didn’t really think we’d work out in the long run. Easier to get rid of me now, before it hurts so much.”

He’s right.

How could he be so right? How could he have known that about me when I’ve never told him?

I shove back. “Well, then how about this one?”

“What?” He pats his chest and then points at me. “Tell me. I’m ready.”

“All the things I told you are true. And yesterday I found out another piece of information I really didn’t know yet when we spoke.” I sigh. Can I really say this aloud? It becomes real once I admit it to someone. I mean, Dolores Jenkins knows. But she’s a weird old woman who never talks to anyone and for some reason, I keep referring to her by both her first and last name, like she’s Charlie Brown or something.

“What?” Ethan’s heart is right there on his face. “I mean it. Tell me. Whatever other big, bad secrets, whatever’s holding you back, whatever you’re worried about, tell me. It can’t be as bad or as big as you think.”

Oh, boy. I wish that were true.

And what strikes me the most clearly is that my reasons for staying away from him were so stupid before now. What was wrong with me? This boy has been constant. True. Undeviating.

Why didn’t I accept it before now?

How often are we our own worst enemy? How often do we stand squarely in the way of our own happiness?

My mom with her dependency.

My dad with his anger and entitlement.

Myself with my insistence that I’m not good enough.

Then with our actions, we make our perceptions, our fears, and our inadequacies come true. We doom ourselves. But it’s not fair to Ethan for me not to tell him everything now. And then instead of standing in my own way, I’ll finally trust in him and see what he says.

Knowing it may already be too late.

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