Page 15 of Minted

But I had been hoping I’d just meet her, and BAM. It would be clear that we were meant for each other. That reminds me of how not obvious it was to Dave when he met Seren. He wasn’t looking, so he didn’t see. I had to shove his face in it.

So if I have to do a little work, at least this time I’ll have a competent guide.

Translator might be a better word for Barbara. For the first time, I have a secret weapon. Barbara’s going to be my translator for all things female. Maybe she’ll pick up the cues I’ve been missing and help me find the right kind of girl, too.

When I swipe to open the eHarmony app, I’m prepared for double or even triple the matches I had last night. Thirty women as potential options that Barbara can help me work through, and guide me in messaging.

I’m utterly unprepared for two-hundred and eighty-seven matches. I nearly throw my phone.

I’m worried that Barbara will change her mind. There’s no way that helping me—a remedial dater—and trying to work through this massive pile of misery will be equal to me going to a few holiday parties and eating some red and green appetizers while we make small talk.

She’s going to quit, and I’ll be back to square one.

I text her. HOW WE LOOKING FOR DINNER?

She texts back right away, thankfully. NOT SURE IT’S GONNA HAPPEN. CRAZY DAY, TURNS OUT.

Well, shoot. REALLY? I add a crying emoji.

COULD YOU MEET IN TEN FOR BREAKFAST INSTEAD? BAGEL STOP.

It’s a scramble, but I tell her I can make it. If my hair’s not combed, well, she’s my consultant. It’s not like this is a date. Because I had to take Lucky out, I’m three minutes late, and she’s already ordered two bagels—one of them with extra schmear. As always, she remembers the tiny details. That may be the most impressive thing about Barbara. She pays attention to people and does kind things without even thinking about it. She’s wearing a suit that looks perfect on her—the light pink making her dark hair even richer, and her complexion light and bright.

“Thank goodness you squeezed me in,” I say. “Because, look.” I swivel my phone around and practically shove it in her face.

She sets her bagel on the tiny table at the edge of the park we’ve staked out. “The world isn’t fair.” She shakes her head and perches on the strange high stool the city planners must’ve been drunk to order. “You know, I’d be lucky to get this many matches in a month, but slap up a decent photo for a guy and say he makes two hundred a year and this happens.”

“Dave should have put a hundred a year, right?”

She’s smiling when she glances up at me. “It wouldn’t have mattered.”

“What does that mean?” I can’t help arching an eyebrow.

“It means your face is probably the primary draw,” she mumbles, taking a bite of her bagel as she scrolls.

“I know you’re super busy, so thanks so much for meeting me.”

She sets the phone down and levels a stare at me. “I need to know exactly what your goal is.”

“I want to be married this time next year.”

Her eyes start scanning the area around me and not looking at me.

“Is something wrong?”

She snorts. “Well, about four women within earshot just locked in on you.” She sighs. “Look, you can’t just say stuff like that in public, not when you look like you do. And especially not when you pulled up in that Bugatti.”

“Excuse me.” A woman with dark hair and sunglasses bites her lip and steps closer.

“Yes?” Barbara says.

“I just wanted to see whether you wanted a coffee. I could grab you one.” She shoots a frosty gaze at Barbara, and I realize she’s asking me.

“Um, no. I don’t drink coffee much. Upsets my stomach.”

The woman frowns. “A juice then?”

Was Barbara serious? Is this woman hitting on me because I said I wanted to get married? I reach over and take Barbara’s hand. “I think my girlfriend might be upset if you did that.” I force a smile.

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