Page 32 of The Lookback

Even so, it’s not supposed to be like this.

I’ve thought that same thing over and over and over since we adopted her. Every single time I think it, I feel a little bit sick inside. What’s wrong with me, that I’m feeling this way about my little girl? I know she’s mine. I love her. I really, really do, and so do Will and Aiden.

Beth has been happy to see her grow and flourish. She’s not upset or angry in the slightest about her decision to give her up.

But things still feel. . .not quite right.

I want to shake the feeling, but I can’t quite rid myself of it. It might help if Althea would stop crying so much, but my pediatrician insists that it’s “just a baby thing,” so I muddle on. But today, today I realized that I’m only two weeks away from my due date with our surprise baby, and I’m about to have to spend a lot more time with the brand new infant, and Althea will probably stop loving me at all.

I might have had a little breakdown.

That’s when I realized who I needed to ask for help. She always has all the answers. Her kids love her to the moon and back. She’s the busiest person I know, so she must have some idea of how to make people love you even when they have limited time around you. Abby’s probably the only one who can help me, if I can just get up the nerve to confess that I’m a bad mom whose baby doesn’t even like her.

It took me most of the day, but I finally worked up the guts, drove to Abby’s. . .and she wasn’t there. I was on my way back home when Beth called and told me that Helen and Ethan’s house had bedbugs, but she checked her place and it’s fine.

I spared just a second to be happy that apparently Beth and Ethan aren’t sleeping over. Or at least, I hope that’s what that means. Surely she’ll be smarter this time around. I love Althea, but I don’t want round two.

That’s about when I started to panic about our house.

Forty minutes of web-searching later, and a lot of scratching, and I’m convinced I’m dealing with bedbugs, too. I pack up the baby and leave right as Will arrives. He agrees to stay home, meet Aiden’s bus, and summon some pest people to make sure we’re safe. I decide to just drive around until I can find Abby.

She’s basically my get out of jail free card, which is a little pathetic. I’m an adult for heaven’s sake, but ever since my first marriage fell apart, she’s basically solved every problem I’ve had. Ex husband? Toast. Custody battles? Destroyed. Not surrendering Aiden? Fixed. Problems with Will or in-laws, her advice was always spot on. She even handled the adoption.

With the new baby coming, withbedbugsthreatening, I need my get out of jail card more than ever before.

It takes me several stops, but I do finally locate Abby, at Mandy’s. By then the baby’s squalling, which is pretty normal, and I need a moment to gather my thoughts. By the time I finally emerge from the family room, Abby and Amanda are talking to David, and Mandy’s putting crackers and cheese sticks on plates for an army of kids, including Beth and Ethan.

“What’s the vibe in here?” I ask. “It’s really strange, like someone just made a racist joke and no one knows how to respond.”

“Nothing racist,” Mandy says, but even she’s not meeting my eye.

This is beyond odd. “Okay, but?—”

The door opens, and Helen strides inside like she owns the place. It’s really the only way she enters any doorway. I swear, she was born to be queen of the world. “Well,” she says. “I just found out that I have an urgent meeting, so I better?—”

Only, my body chooses this moment of total chaos to cramp. . .and something about the intensity of this particular cramp makes my water break.

I swear loudly under my breath and grab the back of the sofa.

“Whoa,” Gabe says. “Mom said if I ever say that word again, she’s going to wash my mouth out with a bar of soap because it’s really, really rude.”

“I—” Another cramp rolls through me.

“I’ll be sure to let Donna’s mother know so she can decide how to deal with it,” Abigail says with laughing eyes.

Gabe hisses. “Mom.” His eyes are wide. “Her mom’sdead. You’re going to make her cry, and she already peed her pants.”

All I can do is laugh. Isn’t this just how things go around here? “I didn’t wet my pants. I’m about to have a baby, Gabe, and I don’t really feel ready, but I’m not about to cry, I promise.”

“Wait.” Gabe scrunches his nose. “When you have that baby, who’s going to take care of the other baby? The one that cries all the time?”

“We’re going to figure it out,” I say through gritted teeth. “But I need to head for the hospital right away.” There are some times when living so far from the nearest hospital is a real pain, and this is definitely one of them.

“I’ll call Will,” Abby says.

“And I’ll call Dad,” Ethan says. “I’m sure he’ll get things all set up for you.”

Will’s only fifteen minutes away, but with my water broken and the contractions starting, I’m nervous to wait for him to get here.

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