Page 50 of The Lookback

“Good plan.”

Abby looks terribly tired.

“Can I ask you something, though?” Helen’s still eyeing the pump.

“Sure.” I start assembling the pumping equipment, sticking the plastic flanges together and poking the little rubber gasket in place. There are just so many tubes.

“You have a six-month-old baby,” she says. “And now you have another one.”

I can’t help my smile. “Yes.”

“Do you worry that there won’t be enough love to go around?”

That makes me laugh. “No.”

“Really?”

I shake my head. “That’s the funny thing about families.” I sigh. “When I was growing up, there never seemed to be enough love to go around. But now that I’m with Will, and now that I’ve watched Abby and your family, I’ve learned better. With a family that works the right way, the more people in the family, the more love there is for everyone.”

A few hours later, they discharge me and I’m free to visit the NICU cubicle thing that Andrew’s in. I’m able to nurse him for the first time at seven a.m. It’s magical—he latches right away. It’s uncomfortable, but I’m still happy.

Around eight, Will’s mother brings Althea and Aiden to visit. I’m tired, so tired, but Aiden’s smiling face brightens me up immediately. And when Althea sees me, she lunges forward, her arms outstretched, her eyes wide.

“Ma-ma!”

She’s probably babbling, but I’m counting it for her first word.

Most babies’ first sound isn’t ‘ma.’ It’s harder to say than ‘da.’ But Althea’s first word, if you can call a repeating sound a word, is to call forme.I’m taking the win.

I pass Andrew off to Will and take my other baby in my arms. She snuggles up to my neck and sighs softly. It only lasts ten seconds, but it’s exactly what I need. I’m shaking just a bit when Althea and Andrew meet for the first time, and then Will’s sweetheart of a mother takes some photos of the five of us, together for the first time. Moments later, Althea’s wiggling again like an unhappy spaghetti noodle, but I had a brief interval of time, and it was enough.

This is not at all the family I thought I’d have a year ago, not with two babies under seven months old. It’s not the family I thought I’d have six months ago, either. My daughter’s growing into a real handful, and I struggle to parent her properly. Even so, it’s much more than I ever hoped for, mostly in the best ways.

And that’s enough.

13

MANDY

I’m too old for babies.

Don’t get me wrong. I like them just fine—they’re cute and bubbly and squishy in all the right ways. But they don’t sleep very well, and I barely sleep as it is these days. The combination’s not good, starting with all the visits you have to make when someone has a baby. From the reports we’re hearing, Donna had a rough delivery, but that doesn’t stop us from at least going by with flowers.

Poor Will looks like someone beat him.

After we visit with Helen, David, and Abby while eating, walk by and check in on the baby, who is blessedly okay, and pick up flowers for Donna, there’s not really much for us to do. I forgot to bring all the cute baby things I ordered in advance online—I found the cutest stuffed llama, of all things. They’re making so many cute stuffed animals these days that it’s almost criminal—but maybe that’s for the best. It would just be one more thing for her to haul home when she does leave. We all sort of stumble over the same idea at the same time after dropping off the flowers.

We have to step out for Donna to pump anyway, so we’re just loitering in the hall when I whisper, “We should probably go home.”

It happens to be the very same time that Amanda asks, “There’s not much more we can do here, is there?”

And that Maren says, “I think we’ve stayed long enough.”

We all laugh.

Except for Emery, our conscience. “Donna’s labor was a mess and her baby has a broken arm.”

“But now it’s all under control,” Amanda says. “If we hang around for very long, we’ll just get in the way when she wants a nap or something.”

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