Page 87 of The Lookback

I whip out my phone and send Amanda a scathing text. MAREN JUST CAME BY AND TOLD TOMMY I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. SHE WANTED TO LIVE WITH ME. IT WASN’T HARD FOR ME TO TELL HER NO.

Maren’s Amanda’s problem again, but now I have my own mess to deal with, thanks to her.

“Is it true?” Tommy’s eyes are staring at me intently when I look up, and my breath catches in my throat.

“What?” I swallow.

“What she said? Did you—were you in love with me?” I can’t tell whether he’s smirking or smiling, but either way, I feel ragingly uncomfortable.

“She’s a teenager,” I say. “She is so hot and cold. Trust me. You can’t believe anything she says. One minute she’s ready to burn down the house and make an album, and the next she’s bawling in the corner because she dropped her phone in the toilet and her life is over.”

Tommy doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t even so much as blink. “Amanda Saddler, for once in your life, just tell me the truth. Did you like me back then?”

“I—” But I can’t do it. I’ve been lying to him for so long that I don’t even know where to start. If I tell him I liked him . . . I don’t even know what I want. My heart soars at the thought that he might like me. That he might have liked me then and still like me now.

But if that’s true, then he’ll stick around, and I’ll have to confess that my whole life, all the things I’ve told him, and written to him about, everything I’ve said, they were all a lie.

Wouldn’t it be better, with as old as we are, with as established as we are in our lives, if we just let things go?

“Do you know why I came here?” He raises his eyebrows.

“To sign the paperwork,” I say. “To sell off your parents’ farm and finally be done. You told me before.”

He shakes his head slowly and steps closer, his eyes still fixed on mine. “No, that was an excuse.”

Now my heart’s stuttering, and it shouldnotbe stuttering like that. “It was?”

“My wife was the sister of my best friend Henry. You met him, remember? When I left here, I had lost my dad, and I had lost you, my only real friend. I was a mess. He was the first person I met, and he was my age, and he became my new best friend right away. We didn’t have much in common, but he was quiet and calm and I needed that. Twenty-five years later, his sister moved back to live with him after her marriage ended, and you were married to Jed, and after measuring literally every woman I met to you, I was lonely and miserable. She and I were miserable together for a while, and it was a little less depressing that way, so eventually, we got married.”

I met Henry when I went, and I knew he had been married to Henry’s sister, but he didn’t tell me the rest. It almost sounds like I’m not the only one who didn’t tell the whole truth.

“When she died a decade back, I was sad. I was lonely, but I wasn’t wrecked. She was a very good, very solid companion, and I missed her. Her brother died two months ago though, Mandy, and that broke me, because I realized that we’re running out of time.” He inhales sharply. “You had a lifetime with Jed. I know that was what you wanted, but I spent a lifetime missing you. And now you’re here, and he’s gone, and I just had to come out here and find out. . .”

“Yes,” I finally say, my heart beating so loudly that I can hear it in my ears. My hands are trembling, and my palms are sweating, and I feel like I might vomit, but the words can’t be held back any longer. “I did like you back then, Tommy. I liked you a lot, and I was going to tell you that before your dad died, but then it was too late.” My words are so soft, I can barely hear them myself. “I liked you more than I liked Jed. I think I always have.”

21

MANDY

Tommy moves faster than a man in his eighties should be able to move, his hands finding mine. “Mandy.” His eyes drop to my mouth. “Mandy.”

“That’s my name, unless you wear it out,” I say. “But you should know that I didn’t letanyonecall me that after you left. No one in town, not my other friends, no one.”

Tommy’s brow furrows.

“It hurt just hearing it after you left,” I whisper. “But then, when Amanda came, it was too confusing having two Amandas, so I finally starting using it again.” I force a smile. “I thought it was sort of fitting. Every time Amanda, Abigail and their kids call me Mandy, it makes me think of you.”

“Did Jed always call you Amanda?” he asks. “He didn’t talk to you much when I was here, but he did call you that to me, the few times you came up.”

“He did,” I say, the reminder that he still thinks I was married to Jed a little painful.

I start casting around in my brain for ways out. Maybe I could move to Montana. He might never need to know. But then, how would I see Amanda and Abby and their kids? Maybe we could live in Montana, and he could stay there when I come out here for visits. Maybe. . .

“So.” He drops my right hand and brings his free left hand up to my face, brushing the side of my cheek. “Does that mean. . .” His eyes lift to mine, and they’re nervous.

It makes me smile. “I guess it means we’re dating.”

His smile is so broad, it transforms his entire look. For just a moment, I see the Tommy I knew. His eyes are the same, even if his face is now wrinkled and his hair’s lighter. “That makes mesohappy. You have no idea.”

---