Page 91 of The Lookback

I close my eyes. “Emery will be devastated.”

“See if you can convince your friend to step in,” Principal Miller says. “Or the play is off.”

By the end of the rehearsal, I’m not sure I could drag Tommy away with a drop net, zip-tied hands, and a team of draft horses.

Which leaves me in a bad spot.

If he stays, I’ll see more of him, and Emery will be delighted. But there’s no way he won’t discover that I lied. He’s going to find out, and then what? Last week, I’d have said that him discovering my secret would be disappointing, but ultimately not a big deal. But now, after a few heart racing moments, it feels like everything has changed. He likes me. He always did.

And all those wasted moments weigh on me.

If I had been honest earlier, then what? He might have come back much, much sooner. If he didn’t think I was married to Jed, would he have come back for me when we were young? How different would our lives be?

I’m not someone who usually wastes time and energy on regret, but it feels like this is unavoidable. No matter how I look at it, I’m going to have to confess my sins to Tommy and beg for his forgiveness. But will he still like me? Or will he despise me for lying to him?

On the flip side, as Emery climbs into my car, chattering happily about the play and how Tommy’s ideas are already so much better than what they had in mind, how can I be so selfish that I ruin her pinch-hitting director?

I sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Tommy drops his hand over mine again.

My heart swells, and I want to cry. I manage to rein it in, barely. “Nothing.” I shake my head, trying to dispel the tears that are still threatening. “I’m great.”

Emery wades right back into the fray, talking to him about some ideas she had for costumes.

“You have a real knack for this,” he’s saying as we reach her house, which is barely two miles from the school now that they’ve moved in with Eddy.

“You know, I really could have walked,” Emery says. “That’s why I told Mom not to worry.”

“We were happy to come get you,” Tommy says. “And it was great fun working on that play.”

“Actually,” I say, “the principal was hoping you might be able to fill in for Mr. Hammerly for a while.” I don’t really want to tell him, but I feel like I have to. I’m not sure I’ve ever been quite this conflicted.

“Really?” Tommy’s eyes light up. “I would love to.”

“Why?” Emery looks worried. I know theater is the one thing she really likes about school. Without it, she’d try to hide in her bedroom at home and never go out.

I don’t really want to be the one to tell her, but. . . “I’m not sure whether it’s going to be announced, so you may need to keep this quiet at school, but Mr. Hammerly had a stroke. He won’t be coming back anytime soon.”

“Oh, no.” From the rearview mirror, I can see Emery’s hands on either side of her cheeks. “That’s terrible.”

“I’d be happy to fill in for this play. And if they’re happy with my work, maybe I can keep helping after that.”

“Do you mean it?” Emery’s leaning over the seat, her hand on his shoulder, clearly already unbuckled. “That would be amazing.”

“Do you think your friends would be alright with such an old guy as their new director?”

“You’re not that old.” Emery’s a sweet kid. “But anyway, you’re way better than Mr. Hammerly was. He’s also the art teacher, and I think he likes art way better.”

“Well, I’d be thrilled to have something to do. It might keep me from making Mandy crazy.”

“Wait.” Emery’s eyes widen. “What do you mean?” Then her eyes drop, and she’s staring at Tommy’s hand where it’s resting on top of mine. Her voice goes supersonic, like her mother’s is prone to do. “Oh my gosh, are you two together?” She’s bouncing up and down in the car, and then before I know it, she’s bawling.

Actual tears, running down her bright red face.

“You have no idea, Mister Collins,” she’s blathering. “When she told us those stories, about you and Jed, and I just almost cried then, because you two are clearly perfect for each other, and I am just so happy that you’re here and you’re together, and I am so glad that you still like plays, and this is, like, better than Cinderella or Mulan or, like, Sleeping Beauty, too.”

Oh, my.

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