Page 119 of Loaded

The transition back into beauty is smooth. It’s clear. It’s strong. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Octavia has shifted again. We didn’t discuss this, but she turns so that only her good side is facing the audience.

She once told me that it’s hard for people to look at her. Seeing her face, her injury, pains them. In this moment, that statement pains me, truly. I play through the misery, but it hurts.

When she reenters the song, her tone cuts like a blade. This time, instead of just bringing beauty, the words condemn.

You told me I was gorgeous.

You told me I was beloved.

You said you would be faithful.

No matter what the world did.

All the joy inside me,

My hope for a brighter day,

The monster consumed it all,

And I became both beast and prey.

I’ve boosted this second to last transition. I do layer the angry and the lovely, but I also add a few twinges of accusation. Octavia’s right—this music evolves as we play it together. I suppose when it’s played by the creator, it’s the way it should be.

This is by far the best version we’ve ever had. Her voice, when it returns, feels like a gut punch.

The world is dark and terrifying.

That much, at least, was true.

But those who spoke of beauty,

Were the villains, not me and you.

It’s not my face at fault here

It’s those who glare and jeer

The real beast lives inside of them,

They get back what they give.

Iextend the transition a little, and I glance out at the audience. They’re all watching, attention rapt. Not a single word. No murmurs. They’re invested. My heart soars at the sight. Maybe the world is more beautiful than we knew. Maybe it’s lovelier than we dared hope.

I finally play it, the call to action at the end, the final rise. Octavia spreads her arms wide, lifts her chin, and she belts it.

Stop looking to slay monsters,

And start working on yourself.

The gorgeous monstrosity you should fear

Is the one staring back at you in the mirror.

Work on the creature only you can tame,

And when you see the ugliness,

Call it by name, oh, call it out by name.

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