Page 1 of No Kind Words

The slight creak of the barn door has my blood pressure rising, my heart beating faster, and my hands trembling. Footsteps are approaching the ladder. He’s here! This is actually going to happen. After all the sneaking around and finding secret, unseen places, today is the day. Everyone is out of the house and away from the farm. I’ve planned this down to the last detail. A blanket is spread out over the worn floor. The condoms and lube are hidden under the corner of the tartan fabric. God, I’m so nervous but also excited. No way on earth am I going to flee.

The footsteps hit the ladder, and before I can speak, he’s in front of me. Curly blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a mouth that’s made for kissing.

“Hi.” It sounds more like a soft sigh than a greeting. “You’re here.”

Of course he’s here. He’s standing right before me.

“Yeah, there’s no way I wouldn’t be here. I’ve been waiting for this moment as long as you.” He smiles. “Is it all done and dusted?”

The last of my A levels is over with. I’m a free man for the summer. “And before you ask, it went really well.” I wink. He steps closer to me, and he seems so much larger than me.

He skims his nose up the side of mine, and I suck in a breath. “So sure.”

Then his mouth is on mine. Our hands scrabble at each other’s clothes. We’ve waited too long to get to this moment. The stolen kisses that started all this led to handjobs and blow jobs. Hidden from anyone’s eyes, we’ve fallen in love.

“Lie down. Let me look at you.” His stare doesn’t embarrass me. I want him to look at me. I know he likes what he sees as he gives me a crooked grin. A dimple appears on his left cheek. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you. Get down here and kiss me.”

As soon as his mouth is on mine, we both let out a groan. The next moments are a sensory overload. He presses his naked body against mine. Our hands roam freely over our bodies, which are getting hotter and harder by the second.

The point of no return comes when a cold, wet finger pushes gently at my entrance, asking for admission. One finger becomes two. The stretch and burn are exquisite and everything I’ve been craving. That’s until I’m empty, and the condom wrapper is being torn open.

“Keep your eyes on me and breathe, baby,” he whispers, his lips close to mine. His breath warms my moist skin.

The hot, blunt head of his dick presses firmly at my hole, and then there’s the pressure again. He kisses me so deeply I almost forget what’s happening lower down until he slides farther in. “So big,” I pant. He stops and waits for me to adjust.

When I nod, he pushes farther. The tight pain changes, and pleasure floods my body. A cry breaks free from him. “God, so good, so fucking good. I’m never going to want to leave.”

I lose myself to the intensity of my first time. I’ll never forget this moment. The smell of the old hay, the warmth of the sun through the holes in the timber roof, and the dust motes it makes through the gaps of the old barn.

We come together, crying out each other’s names.

“I love you,” I whisper into his hair. He repeats the words in my ear.

We lie together, bravely talking about the future until the sun goes down and we have to say goodbye for now.

The summer is going way too quickly. We’re together as much as we can, and our meetings get hotter as we get braver with each other. Today is a big day, and once again I’m in the loft of the barn farthest away from the farmhouse. The chores over the summer months—the harvest, the baling, the stacking and storing of hay, straw, and silage—have left me suntanned and muscled. For once, I may have impressed my argumentative, aggressive, and alcoholic arsehole dad.

It’s the end of August, and next to the usual supplies on the picnic blanket lies a white envelope. It’s the first thing he notices. My heart is in my throat as he looks at me. “Have you opened it?”

After checking online, I know what’s in it, but I want us to open the letter together. This affects him as much as it does me. “I want you to do it.”

Without hesitation, he flips the envelope over and slides his finger under the sealed flap. When he pulls out the paper and his eyes go wide, I can’t hold back my smile. “Four A+s, oh my god, Jethro, that’s incredible. You did it! Have you submitted your results? Did you get in?”

I nod, too giddy to speak. He pulls me into his arms and twirls me around. We’re both laughing until my feet hit the ground and our lips touch. I’m lost in him, aching for more, for him to be inside me again. For as many times as we’ve managed this summer, I still want him all the time.

We lie back down on the blanket. Sweat is sticky on our skin, making the loose hay attach itself to us. “Have you decided where you’re going to go?” He makes circles on my chest with his fingers.

“I’ve been accepted at Cambridge, Bristol, and Edinburgh. I need to decide which one. What do you think? Where would you like to go?” We’ve talked this over so many times, but now, with my results, it’s finally real. He can stop the job he hates and maybe get a job in a kitchen and work his way up while he goes back to college.

He tenses. When I turn to look at him, he’s biting hard on his lip. Something has happened. “What’s going on? Have you changed your mind? Jesus, we’ve been planning this for months. Please don’t do this.”

“I’m still coming, but maybe I should wait a month or two. It will be too obvious if we both leave at the same time.”

I sit upright and stare at him. He’s kidding. He’s got to be. No more hiding, he promised me. “You said it wouldn’t matter. You didn’t want to hide anymore. I don’t believe this.” The sting of tears burns my eyes. I don’t want to cry, but there’s no way of holding them back. Tears flow down my cheeks, and I swipe them angrily away. “You have no intention of coming with me, do you? You’ve used me for the summer, had your fun with the closeted gay kid. You’re twenty-five and have lied to get what you wanted.”

“Jethro, sweetheart. That’s not true. I love you. Nothing I’ve said has been a lie. How can you even think I only wanted to fuck you? I’ve given you my heart. You can get settled, and I’ll join you, I promise.” He pulls at my arm, gently tugging me back down. He holds me in his arms, letting me rest my head on his chest. His lips touch my hair, pressing kiss after kiss on my head.

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