Page 11 of No Kind Words

“Why now? It’s great to have you back, and I can’t wait to introduce you to Merrick and my girl, Willow. I think the gay population has been multiplying rapidly since he arrived. His friends and family are turning up left, right, and centre. Ivan’s with Brodie. He bought your farmhouse. I did the work there. You won’t recognise the place.”

“I hope he’s happy there. I won’t be setting foot on that land if I can help it.” I’ve had enough of these questions and revelations. It’s time to get back on track and see what he can do to this place. “Let’s go and get a look at the upstairs.”

Whether Drew recognised my switch in conversation or not, he nods and follows me. Again, I have to duck my head to get through the doorway to the main bedroom.

“I’m not sure I can raise the height of the doorway without having to make some serious structural adjustments. The lintel runs across, making it a supporting wall,” Drew says, then continues by explaining why cottages like this one only have a certain leeway with developments without it being a major rebuild project.

“I’ll just have to remember to duck, even in the middle of the night.” I smirk. “I’ve not got deep enough pockets to go too far. All I want is to open up the rooms and have the bathroom and kitchen upgraded.” I look around the small room with the window in the eaves. “Can this be turned into one room?”

“Yep, that isn’t a supporting wall.” He points to the one on my left. “But I recommend keeping an extra room up here. It doesn’t have to be big, but if we open up everywhere, you’ve got no room for storage. You can keep one of the rooms downstairs and still open up into the kitchen or the same upstairs.”

“The next question is when can you start?” I rock back on my heels, enthusiasm and interest coursing through me. I want the work done as soon as possible. I can see myself living here.

“You said there was some work in the surgery building. Can I have a look? I may be able to get my crew working in both. It depends on how much remodelling it needs.”

“Shall we go over? Have you got time?”

Drew nods and turns back to the door. I follow him out, his words about Benny being the most concerned still buzzing around in my head. My father was more than happy to talk about him running away with his tail between his legs. That Ben was lucky he hadn’t got the same treatment as me. He called him plenty of hideous, disgusting words, taking pleasure in watching me suffer. Happy to prove I was nothing but a toy to him.

I knew then that my father would lie and argue over anything and everything he could. That he always had to have the last word. He would gloat over every winning word. Even if I knew he was lying, he couldn’t be contradicted. So if Drew says Ben was worried, maybe he didn’t leave town. The only way to find out is to ask.

“You said Benny was worried. How did you know that?”

The morning is its usual manic self. The rush of coffees, pastries, and breakfast rolls to take away is followed by all the tables becoming full as friends meet up after the school run. Their chatter fills the room. The laughter, clattering of cutlery on china plates, and clinking of cups resting back on saucers are usually settling to me. But not today.

No. Today I met the woman who arrived with Jethro. I want to hate her. I want to tell her he was mine first, that I should be the one who knows how he takes his coffee or what his favourite breakfast roll is. But I can’t because she’s kind without the haughty behaviour some city people have.

I serve her with a cheery smile and watch her almost bounce out of the room, saying hello to anyone who greets her. In the week he’s been back, Jethro seems to have met all his old friends. Drew is even doing the work in the little cottage and the vet practice. Yet he hasn’t been here.

Does he even know I’m here? Has he mentioned my name to any of the friends he’s spoken to, the ones who have been here the whole bloody time? Ivan must have got it wrong when he said Jethro and Maeve—yes, she introduced herself—aren’t together. It’s the only reason I can think of that has stopped him from coming to see me. It’s not as if I can ask anyone. No one knew about our relationship. Although now, after all this time, I can’t think of any reason we didn’t share what we had going with our friends. In fact, I doubt old man Palmer would’ve got away with the things he did had they known. Everyone believed the easy, glib way he lied about Jethro’s disappearance, saying he’d gone to university early to get ready.

When the morning rush dies down, I leave the front café and head back to the kitchen, taking the last few hours to prep for tomorrow. It’s easy to lose track of time making pastries, bread, and all the other items I’ll need. The business has been more of a success than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. The loan from the bank has been paid off, and soon I’ll own the building outright. It has almost made the last fifteen years of being on my own bearable. I can hardly count the six months of being with Jamie. I try not to think of him at all. He did as I asked and left me alone.

But I can’t get the memory of Jethro and the way he gave himself to me, the way I loved him, out of my mind. No one came close to him. It’s stupid hanging on to a past that I’ve probably distorted over the years, even more so now that I know it meant nothing to him. ThatImeant nothing to him. A distant past he obviously doesn’t hold much credence to. At eighteen and about to start a new chapter in his life, he simply moved on. I gave him the experience to be able to move on, to have other lovers and find someone to settle down with.

Finally, I’m finished for the day and can leave. The afternoon staff are more than capable of handling the customers’ orders until we close at six. I pull on my coat, and as I wrap my scarf around my neck, someone calls my name.

“Benny, have you a moment?” Merrick, one of my closest friends and Drew’s partner, approaches me. “Don’t worry. I won’t keep you. You’ve been here long enough. You know we’re having a New Year party. Of course you do. You’ve got an invitation. Sorry, my head is all over the place. Willow suddenly has the attitude of a teenager and is having tantrums at every opportunity. It seems that Drew is the only one who can placate her, and he’s over at the new vet’s place all the time. Anyway, to get to the point, can you do the food? Nothing too complicated, just your usual amazing stuff.”

As he mentions the vet, meaning Jethro, I stop listening. All I can think of is Drew getting to spend all his time with a man who should be with me. Fuck, I’m doing it again, claiming him again. “Sorry, what did you say?”

Merrick frowns. “The food, Benny, for the party, can you do it?”

“Oh, oh yes, sure. No problem. Let me know what you want, and I’ll sort it for you.”

“All done. Here you are.” Merrick pulls out an envelope and passes it to me, but before he lets go, he cocks his head to the side. “Are you okay? You’re very distracted. If it’s a problem, I can hand this over to Waitrose.”

“No, sorry. I’m fine. It’s been a busy day.” I want to go before my friend’s keen mind latches on to something. “Everyone wanted to get out of the cold and ended up here.”

“Have you seen your old friend, the vet is it? Jethro? I’m not sure that’s his name. Drew said you two were close before he went to Edinburgh.”

They’ve discussed us. Drew and Merrick know; they must. I try to form a coherent sentence but fail miserably. “I, um… I, no, no, I haven’t. It’s been a long time, and he’s here with the redhead, Maeve, I think.” God, someone shut me up and push me out the door.

“It is Maeve, and they’re nottogethertogether. She’s his vet nurse or tech, whatever they call them. They’ve been friends for years. I’m pretty sure Drew said Jethro is gay.”

Where’s a tornado or a lightning strike when you need one? I so don’t want to have this conversation. I shuffle uncomfortably, wanting to be anywhere but here. “I’m sorry, Merrick. I’ve got things to do at home. I’ll get this sorted for you.”

Merrick looks surprised at my abrupt end to the conversation but smiles. “Okay, thanks, Benny. See you soon.”

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