Page 12 of No Kind Words

I’m already on the move to the door and out into the bitter cold. The wind whips around my head, and I duck down into the scarf in an effort to keep my ears warm. The winters on the south coast of Devon are wet and wild. I should be used to them by now, but the cold seeps into my bones, urging me to pick up my pace and get home.

With the door firmly shut behind me, I strip out of my coat and kick off my shoes, feeling more tired than normal. My shower will have to wait. I take off my flour-covered clothes and climb under the thick quilt. My eyelids close heavily, and I sleep.

I dream of chasing Jethro as he moves farther and farther through the fields behind the barns and away from the farm. All I can do is call his name. He stops, and when he turns around, his face is covered in cuts and bruises. He speaks, but I can’t hear him. He shakes his head, telling me no, not to go after him. I shoot up in bed, gasping for breath, my hand on my chest.

As I slump back down, my head hits the soft pillow. The usual sadness these nightmares cause is replaced with something new—anger.

I’m angry, angry that he’s back in my thoughts, angry that he’s talking to his old friends. And most of all, I’m angry that he hasn’t been to see me. I’m angry that I couldn’t keep Jamie. He quickly dumped me for his ex. I’m a forty-year-old man who’s acting like a teenager. I’ve been hanging on to something that isn’t real anymore. My whole life has been wasted on a dream my lover would come back for me. Not anymore. I’m done.

I walk around the newly refurbished building, which, after Drew has had his crew work their magic, has become much more open, spacious, and light. The new furniture has arrived, and we’re only a week away from opening. I’m halfway through interviewing for the receptionist position. I was surprised by the number of replies and have narrowed it down to a handful.

Maeve sees the third person out the door, her face a mask of polite friendliness, but I know my friend. She’s already discounted this one. I agree. That was not the right fit. I glance down at the name of the next applicant: Luke Penberthy. He’s young, only nineteen, but he has all the computer skills and has been studying animal management at the local college. I’ve got my sights set on him before he’s even walked through the door.

Twenty minutes later, I know he’s got the job. The last interviewee only cements my thoughts. When it’s just Maeve and me, I lock the door. She grins at me. “If you don’t give the job to Luke, I’m going back to Scotland.”

“You don’t need to pack your bags. He’s perfect for the position. I’ll call him this evening. He’ll need training, though, and that’s where you come in.” I lean back in my chair, my fingers knotted together behind my head.

“We should go out to celebrate.” Maeve claps her hands. She’s been trying to get me to the pub for days without success.

I’m hiding away. Ever since Drew told me Ben’s been here the whole time I’ve been gone, disproving my father’s rant that he’d run him out of town with threats of exposing him as a predator, I’m avoiding seeing Ben. Guilt floods me every time I hear his name or think about him. I’m a coward. I should’ve gone to see him as soon as I found out, yet my heart and my head are battling with each other. My heart is aching to see him and tell him how hard it was to leave him. That the cruel lies I’d been told were the reason I never got in touch with him again.

My head says to stay away, that he won’t be interested in me anymore. Still, I want to explain that my tattoos and piercings were a way to change, to be different from the eighteen-year-old who had pledged his love to a man seven years older than him. The kid who was too scared of being found out, to keep it a secret, when all he wanted to do was shout from the barn rooftop that he was gay and that he loved Ben. While no one has mentioned him having a partner, I haven’t asked either.

I stare around the room, trying to find an excuse to stay here and not go out. Maeve cocks her head and frowns, worry lines marring her usually smooth forehead. “I’m not going to take no for an answer tonight. What was the point of moving back here if you become a hermit? You had a much better social life back in Edinburgh. Are you regretting your decision? Because, my best buddy, you’re too far in to back out now. And I like it here. The people are friendly, and the town is cute.”

“Fine, we’ll go out.” Yeah, I’m being churlish. And no, I don’t care. “I’ll even buy the drinks. How does that sound?”

“That’s a good start. You need to see the people you grew up with. They’re going to be the ones bringing their pets to you. You need to move on from the past. It’s all-consuming, taking over your thoughts and actions. You’re going to bump into him, mate. That’s a given. No one hangs on to the past like you have. You need to get over yourself.”

“Oh, great. Thanks for that, Maeve. That’s really boosted my confidence.” She’s right, though. I’ve spent more time worrying about bumping into Ben than manning up and going to say hello. He was more than the guy I was into, who I messed around with, or who I gave my virginity to. He was my best friend. I’m sure we won’t have any fire left to rekindle, and that’s the crux of it. I’m afraid that when we do meet, there’s nothing left apart from an embarrassed mumble of hellos and ’how have you beens?’ And that’s worse than any angry words could be.

This conversation has gone on long enough, and I’ve had enough of thinking about Ben. “I’m going to set up the meds cupboards.” I stalk out of the office, leaving Maeve to her own devices. It’s easy to lose track of time when all I’m doing is inputting names and batch numbers into the computer. It’s also a great way to clear all the clutter messing up my mind.

A knock on the door interrupts me. I blink a few times to get my eyes to adjust after staring at the screen. I hadn’t noticed how dark it had got. Drew stands in the doorway. The darkness from the window behind him is more proof of the lateness of the day.

“Drew? Hi. You okay?” Has he found something wrong in the cottage? It’s all been plain sailing so far. Admittedly, this place took priority, and he’s done an amazing job.

“Not at all. I reckon another week before you can start decorating. Is it all good here? Any niggling problems?” He looks around as if expecting to see a fault.

“Nope, it’s great.” There’s something he wants to say, but he’s hesitating. “Spit it out, mate.”

“We’re all going to the pub. It’s early doors. You wanna come?”

I’ve turned him down every other time he’s asked, but after agreeing with Maeve, I can’t say no this time. “Yeah, sure. Sounds good. Let me shut this down and lock up, and I’ll be with you.”

“Awesome.” He taps the door frame and goes back out to the reception area, where he says, “see you later” to Maeve. She’s probably behind him coming over, and for the first time, I’m not annoyed by her meddling.

Before I go, I call Luke and offer him the job. His enthusiastic reply tells me I’ve made the right decision. And it puts me in a better mood.

We’re rushing to get out of the bitter wind coming off the sea and inside the warm pub. Maeve heads over to Stacey and Melanie. They’ve become good friends in the short time we’ve been here. They’ve even managed to get her to an exercise class, something she has baulked from for as long as I have known her.

“What are you having?” Drew asks as we walk to the bar.

“Just a pint, the Peroni,” I say after looking at what they have on tap. The pub is quiet for a Friday night, but as Drew said, it’s early doors. Drew and his friends have taken over a table in the corner. Ivan, his boyfriend, and the three women are already sitting.

Ivan gives me a nod, which I assume is him saying hello. If only I could remember his boyfriend’s name. I don’t want to come across as rude. As I rack my brain, Drew hands me my glass and points to the corner.

I find myself sitting next to the nameless boyfriend. He smiles at me. “I’m Brodie. We met at Ivan’s house a while back.”

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