Page 61 of Heavy

I swallow and as his hand moves a little further up my leg, my stomach begins to hurt. “O-Okay.”

“Promise to be a good boy?” he asks, and there is that part of me that has always wanted to be good for my parents. I want to be like my brother who never disappointed them. They, nor would my uncle, do anything to hurt me.

“Yeah.” I don’t sound like I agree, but I do, just my chest hurts and I feel like crying for some reason.

“If you even slip up once, you won’t just hurt me, but you’ll break up the family. It won’t just be Eamon that leaves, but everyone.”

My mouth opens as I begin to hyperventilate. “No, no.”

“Shh.” He leans in and places a kiss against my cheek, and I start crying. “It’s why you have to be good. Can you do that for me, Ronan?”

I nod, and my hands sweat profusely as I wipe them along my legs.

“Very good, and don’t worry, we will take it slow.”

I’m glad I didn’t eat today, I may have been sick, and again… I don’t even know why I feel this way.

He won’t hurt me.

Why would my own family hurt me?

AGE 12

“Ronan, I don’t understand what the problem is.” My mom has never gotten short with me, but I can’t blame her. I’ve been begging her to take me with her and dad for the weekend. “I thought you loved spending time with your uncle.”

At the mention of who my babysitter is going to be this weekend, I grab my elbows and pull into myself.

I know what he is doing to me is wrong, and I want to tell her so badly, but I’m afraid that the pain of my family separating hurts more than the physical things he does to me. It never stops. Even if they are here, they think he is just playing my games with me.

At the same time, why doesn’t she see between my words? I’ve been pleading with her through my behavior. I’ve dropped out of sports, stopped seeing my friends, and barely eat once a day. I’m so thin now, how is it not obvious that I’m suffering? The therapist she has me seeing is doing nothing, because I can’t even tell her.

She won’t understand, and according to my uncle, she has to tell on him. He reminds me every time I see him that I’ll destroy our family if I slip up. If I’m not agood boy.

“Sorry, Mom…” I drop my head, but she’s right beside me, gently placing her hands on my cheeks and lifting my gaze.

“Don’t be, Ronan honey, it’s okay.” She swipes her thumb across my cheek. “I love you, we will be back by dinner time on Sunday. Your uncle is running a bit late, but you’re big enough to be alone for an hour. We can’t miss our flight.”

My dad’s already in the car waiting. He has found no patience for me this past year. I’m no longerhisgood son. Not the one that was already making him proud by nine. I’ve become a delinquent in his eyes, but I’m screaming for help. I’m suffocating, and they are holding the pillow down on me as I lose the battle.

“I love you, Mom. Tell Dad I’m sorry for being difficult.”

She draws her hand across my forehead and then places a kiss against the spot right where my hairline starts. “Your father loves you, he just… lacks the same patience as your strong momma.”

I then hear the car horn and nod, shooing her away before he storms in and blames me.

“Bye, Mom.”

The door closes behind her, and the silence in the house is deafening. All I can hear is my pulse, my heart, my own thoughts. I’m shaking and begin looking around me as if searching for what I should do.

I should run away, but then what happens when Eamon comes home looking for me? He hasn’t come back in nearly a year and a half, but he might…

Maybe I can run away to him. He’d keep me safe like he always did. He would believe me and promise to make everything better. I’d not have to hurt anymore.

Uncle T told me that it wouldn’t hurt after a while, that I would get used to it. He thought he proved his point when he started to make me finish after he did. It still hurt because I didn’t understand why my body reacted the way that it did.

It’s because he is right, it’s what I want… even if it hurts.

I aimlessly walk to the kitchen. I’ve been reading these forums on the web about taking your life. Some would say they were going to do it to free themselves from the pain they were in. Maybe that’s my only way of getting out of this.

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