Page 108 of His Virgin Romance Series

JARED

She was in every thought I had. But at least during the day when I was at work, I was able to be distracted. The adrenalin of being on the job and the company of Kendrick, Mel, and Ryan helped keep memories of Rachel at bay. Not all the time, but enough so that it was manageable, at the very least.

But going home was the worst. My apartment felt so much bigger and so much emptier somehow. I had entertained the thought of asking Rachel to live with me before my arrest, and now those hopes were leagues away. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I got home, and it seemed that no matter how tired I was I couldn’t fall asleep easily. I tried blasting music in my ears to drown out my thoughts, but still, she managed to creep into my psyche somehow and torment me with her absence.

I was in the day room that morning. We had been called out in the early morning, but it was nothing dire, and we had been back at the station in less than an hour. Kendrick and gone to take a quick nap, and Ryan was in the shower. Mel sat opposite me, snacking on some corn chips.

“So, Jared, how have you been doing lately?” Mel asked. I could sense the concern in his voice and wondered if my expression betrayed the turmoil going on inside me.

“Umm…fine,” I mumbled back unconvincingly.

“You miss her, don’t you?” Mel asked.

I sighed, realizing that apparently, I was just that easy to read. “I don’t want to miss her,” I admitted.

“She made a mistake, Jared,” he said gently.

“It was a pretty big mistake,” I pointed out.

“Fair enough…but is it fixable?” he asked. “That is really up to you, don’t you think? We all make mistakes in life; some are bigger than others. It all depends on what you’re willing to forgive and what you’re forced to put behind you.”

“She hasn’t tried to contact me at all,” I said.

“And that upsets you?”

“I don’t know what it does to me, to be honest,” I said. “Sometimes I feel relieved, sometimes I’m disappointed, but mostly I just feel like I’m grieving.”

“You are grieving,” he said. “You’ve lost a relationship in the midst of all this—and by the sounds of it, you had it bad for this girl.”

“I thought about asking her to marry me,” I admitted.

“No shit,” Mel said, raising his eyebrows.

“Not right now,” I clarified. “But I was seriously considering popping the question in a few months. I wanted her to move in with me before then, though.”

“Maybe you should try talking to her?”

“Why?”

“Because whether this is the end for the two of you or not, I think it’s obvious that you need closure.”

“Closure,” I breathed. “That’s the word I’ve been looking for all these days. Maybe you’re right; if I can talk to her and put this all behind me, maybe she won’t be dominating my thoughts every minute of every day.”

“Hmm…it’s a possibility,” he said. “But I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Why not?”

“You love this girl, am I right?”

“Yes.”

“Then closure is not going to do you much good,” he said honestly. “You’re still going to be sad about the relationship ending, whether or not you get closure.”

“Well then…fuck me.”

He gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know you’re hurt and angry,” Mel said bracingly. “But there are relationships that have been through worse.”

“Oh, yeah?” I said challengingly. “Like what?”

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