“Have you ever been in love?” I asked abruptly.
“Once,” Ben replied promptly.
“And did you know right away?”
“Of course not,” he replied. “Sometimes it’s not as simple as just looking at someone and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them. Sometimes it creeps up on you. Sometimes it takes you years to figure out. I was in my senior year of college when I realized I was in love with my best friend. We had known each other since high school.”
“Did you tell her how you felt?”
“I told him,” Ben nodded.
I raised my eyebrows. “I’m sorry, you’re gay?”
He smiled wryly. “Have been all my life,” he nodded.
“Fuck, how did I not know that?” I said. “You’ve been my assistant for years now.”
“You miss a lot when your only focus is work,” he said. “And, you’ve never cared to ask me about my life before now.”
I shook my head and sighed. “You’re right,” I nodded, feeling ashamed of myself. I had been so focused on being successful that I had forgotten about all the relationships I was sacrificing along the way, with friends and with women. “But I’m interested now. Tell me.”
“I told Eric, he freaked out, and we haven’t spoken since,” Ben said without emotion.
“Fuck,” I said. “And that was it? Your friendship was done, just like that?”
“Just like that,” he nodded. “Luckily, I started working for you almost immediately after and never slowed down long enough to feel sad about it. By the time I gave myself a little room to slow down and resurface for air, a few years had passed, and it didn’t hurt quite so bad.”
“You buried yourself in work to escape the pain of your personal life?”
“Yes,” he nodded. “Which is why you’ve always surprised me.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve sacrificed your life without ever really experiencing it in the first place,” Ben explained. “You’ve never had a real relationship or a steady girlfriend. How will you ever know if you can commit if you’ve never tried?”
“I know myself,” I replied.
Ben smiled and shook his head at me. “I’ve spent more time with you over the last few years than anyone else, Seth. And trust me when I tell you, you don’t know yourself as well as you think you do.”