Page 6 of I'll Be the One

People cheer, but the applause is scattered. Everyone knows that the lack of reaction from the judges is a bad sign.

Bora is the first to speak, daintily lifting the mic to her dark-red lips.

“Miss Shin?” she says. “You’re talented, but would you ever consider losing weight? As someone who was a member of a girl group for five years, I can most definitely tell you thecamera adds ten pounds, and I’m afraid you’re a bit too... rotund.”

Gasps and whispers come from the audience, but no one outright boos or speaks out against her. I think about what’d happen if this were a Western talent show, try to think if there are any instances where Adele or Susan Boyle were outright fat-shamed on TV.

My blood boils. I’m embarrassed, yeah, but I’m also really, really mad.

I angle the mic right at my mouth so my words come out loud and clear.

“No,” I reply. “I will definitely not. If I’m accepted into this competition under the condition that I lose weight, I’d rather not participate.”

The whispers intensify. For a moment, I start to wonder why I’m here. I question why I worked so hard for this when people aren’t even going to take me seriously.

The tension in the auditorium is palpable by the time Park Tae-Suk chimes in. “Although I respect your... confidence, I do have to agree with Ms. Jang, albeit for different reasons. As the head of PTS Entertainment, I’ve helped countless trainees become stars, but I have also been there to witness the ones who don’t make it. Being a K-pop star requires a lot of discipline and hard work. And there just isn’t anyone... your size in this industry. And if there was, they didn’t last long. It’s regrettable, but true. Is there any particular reasonwhyyou’re so strongly against losing weight?”

The judges look expectantly at me, and suddenly, I’m back in our living room, watching a Korean talent show similar toYou’re My Shining Starwith Mom. Because Mom is a sucker for anything related to fame and glory, it was a sort of mother-daughter tradition for us to watch talent shows together whenever they were in season. Since Mom was always busy working, I looked forward to this special bonding time with her, even though she sometimes pointed out contestants to provide me with “extra motivation” to lose weight.

“Look, Haneul! Look how pretty that girl is!” she’d say. “Everyone loves her! You can be like that too. We just have to figure out a way to get you to exercise more and eat less!”

And of course, every time she said that, she’d be talking about yet another skinny girl with perfect makeup and impeccable fashion taste. A girl who was a size 0 and looked nothing like me.

But when I was in seventh grade, everything changed.

I exhale slowly and start talking.

“A few years ago, when I was in seventh grade,” I say, making direct eye contact with the judges, “a plus-size girl won a Korean talent competition similar toYou’re My Shining Star. I was so happy because it finally felt like fat girls like me could do anything they wanted to do. But during the first year of her debut, the same girl changed right before my eyes. In each Instagram post, news photo, and TV appearance, she was thinner and thinner, until one day, there was a breaking news story about how the girl was hospitalized for malnutrition andexhaustion. When they interviewed her, she said it was ‘for her fans and her career,’ and my own mom used her as an example of what I could be like if I ‘tried a bit harder.’

“After that, I vowed to enter a K-pop competition and never change myself like that if I got in. That’s why I’m here now. I want to show people that it’s okay to not be model-thin and exhaust yourself to the point of hospitalization. That girl failed me, so I want to be my own hero.”

By the time I finish, the entire audience is silent.

Bora opens her mouth, looking like she’s about to protest, when Gary grabs his mic. He’s been so completely silent this entire time that I almost forgot there was a third judge.

“Well,” he says, giving me a huge smile, “you are clearly talented, so it’s a yes from me. While it’s true that the industry generally only has a... specific body type in mind, I think it’s time to shake things up a bit!”

He slams his hand on the round button in front of him, and sparks fly above my head.

Only a few people cheer.

From beside him, Bora rolls her eyes and mutters, “You aresoAmerican.”

She then turns to face me with a dead-set glare.

“Sorry, I’m going to have to say no,” says Bora. “It’s nothing personal, I’m just being realistic. Letting yourself gain weight like that signifies a lack of discipline. And being a K-pop star requires a lot of discipline andnotthat extra drumstick at the chicken place.”

Did she not listen to a word I just said?I bite my lip to stop myself from snapping back at her, reminding myself that this is going to be on TV. Everyone from all over Korea and other parts of the world will see if I yell at Bora and give her a piece of my mind. So instead of replying to what she said, I nod at her curtly, which is about as polite as I can be right now.

Everyone turns to look at Park Tae-Suk. His eyebrows are raised again, but now, he’s slightly grinning, like he heard a funny joke.

“Well, well,” he says. “I guess it’s down to me.”

I swallow. My hands are shaking, but I try not to show any nervousness on my face. The last thing I want is for my mom to comment on how scared I look when this episode airs. If she even watches this episode.

“You’re presenting me with an interesting conundrum, Miss Shin,” continues Park Tae-Suk. “On one hand, I think you are brave and definitely very talented. I totally agree with Gary there. But on the other hand, I also agree with Miss Jang. I know firsthand what kind of rigorous discipline is required to make it in this industry. We push our artists, unapologetically, because we expect them to be superstars of not just Korea but the entire world. And like I said before, not everyone can handle that. In fact, most people can’t. You’re not the first plus-size girl to stand up on that stage and tell me that you can handle the pressure. Many have gone into training before you and ended up dropping out. How can I trust that you will be different?”

“I won’t quit.” I clutch the mic tightly between my hands, trying to think of what I could say that’ll convince Park Tae-Suk to believe in me.

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