Page 78 of I'll Be the One

“Grateful? Mom, there is no way I’ll ever be grateful for the things you’ve said to me throughout the years.”

I think back to the Korean spa day, about how I burst into tears in front of Lana and Tiffany because Mom’s words made me painfully self-conscious. Why can’t my own mom, the person who claims that she loves and cares about me the most, see how much she’s hurting me?

That’s another type of abuse, Lana said that day. And the more I reflect on it, the more I realize she’s right.

“All these years, you’ve told me that I’m not skinny or pretty enough. It’s made me hate myself for most of my life. I’ve finally managed to love and accept myself, so why can’t you just support me?’

“Support you? Haneul. Look at you. It’s great that youaccept yourself, but no amount of accepting yourself is going to change how you really look. It’s not going to change what people see when they look at you.”

“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with being fat. Just because you felt the need to change yourself because you were so afraid of other people doesn’t mean I have to!”

Mom freezes. When she speaks again, her voice comes out in a whisper.

“Shin Haneul. What are you talking about?”

“Sally showed me the photos. I know what you looked like in middle school. You were fat, like me.”

At the word “fat,” Mom flinches back like I slapped her.

“I know you were bullied a lot when you were a kid,” I continue when she doesn’t say anything in response. “And I get that that made you afraid of how I look. But I am perfectly healthy and happy in my own skin. So please stop trying to change me.”

Mom looks pained, but she otherwise doesn’t react to anything I say. She doesn’t insult me further, but she doesn’t say she accepts me, either. Her silence speaks volumes.

By now, I’m crying like a baby. But instead of feeling like I’m breaking into pieces, I’m strangely calm inside. Crying doesn’t feel like an act of defeat this time. It’s more of a release. Because everything that happened in the last three months has been more than enough for me to stop caring about what other people think about me. And that includes Mom.

Instead of tearing me apart, her refusal to accept me sparks an idea in my head.

Despite my tears, my voice comes out strong and firm as I say, “I may have gotten disqualified from the dance portion of the competition, but I’ll still prove to you that you’re wrong. I’m going to make the entire world see that I’m beautiful and powerful just the way I am, and you’re going to have to watch.”

Mom’s still staring at me openmouthed when I leave the room.

Later that night, I search YouTube for clips of Lana’s and my performance. Although theYou’re My Shining Starchannel just uploaded the video two hours ago, it already has two thousand views and counting. After watching it a few times, I find the clip of Henry and me dancing. This one was uploaded around the same time but has three times as many views.

The end of the second one is too painful to watch, so I always make sure to stop before that point in the video as I rewatch Henry’s and my performance a few more times.

Then, I form a group text with Henry, Lana, and Tiffany.

Hey guys,I type.I need your help.

Chapter Thirty-Four

“I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON BORA’S FACE,”Lana says on our way to the performance venue in downtown LA.

We’re all sitting in Henry’s Suburban, slowly creeping our way up Figueroa as we head toward the final round ofYou’re My Shining Star. Unlike in the last few rounds, today’s call time is in the late afternoon, and traffic is terrible. Luckily, we left early enough to not have to be in a huge rush.

“Do you guys really think this will work?” I ask. I try not to show it, but the nervousness creeps into my voice.

“It better,” Tiffany says. “We worked way too hard for this.”

“I think they’ll probably be too busy to notice,” Henry says. “Or at least, they won’t bother. If theydomake a big deal about it, I’ll call Steve.”

Steve holds up a victory sign from where he sits in the driver’s seat. “Don’t worry, Skye. I can think of a good distractionor two. I have a few tricks up my sleeve from my days as a bouncer in Vegas.”

From the front seat, Portia giggles. I can’t even imagine what sort of wild distraction Steve has in mind, so I just laugh along.

“Thanks, Steve,” I say. “Thanks, everyone.”

Everyone says some variation of “No problem,” and I feel like the luckiest girl ever to have them all by my side.

---