Page 56 of Love in Focus

I don’t continue my train of thought. I can barely process the fact that present-day “I don’t do relationships” Celeste Min still likesromance books.

“Hm?” Celeste says.

“Don’t get me wrong,” I say slowly. “There’s nothing wrong with liking them. But…”

“But?”

I hesitate, trying my best to form my confusion into words. “How can someone who still loves romance novels so much… be so against relationships?”

“Romance books are fiction,” Celeste replies with a shrug. “They’re products of an author’s brain and have no basis in real life. They’re predictable, and there’s always a happy ending. Real relationships, though? Not as nice and a lot messier.”

She shudders, like there’s a sudden chill.

“And why do you believe that?” I ask, realizing I never directly asked her this question. Without meaning to, I’ve put my advice columnist hat on, fascinated to finally get a peek inside Celeste’s head.

She stares at me for a long moment, as if she’s trying to decide what to say. Finally, she looks down at the booksin her hands. “Come on, Gem. Would you still believe in romance if you were me? After the shit show that’s my parents’ relationship? And after what happened to us?”

I squeeze my books to my chest. “Us?”

She glances around, as if checking to see if the coast is clear. I do the same. We have pretty much the entire section to ourselves.

Quietly, Celeste continues, “You were my last girlfriend. My last real relationship. I never got over what happened with us. And how fast you moved on.”

The entire way back to Celeste’s apartment, I stay silent. I can’t even look at her face. My heart’s hurting too much.

I think back to howIwas eight years ago, when Celeste’s and my breakup was still fresh. Since I had no ideawhathad happened to Celeste orwhyshe’d left, I didn’t know how to cope. I took her disappearance so personally, especially since she didn’t reply to any of my messages. I really thought she just didn’t want to be around me anymore, so I was desperate to find someone who did, going to parties every weekend and hooking up with anyone who gave me the time of day. Like Celeste, I didn’t evenwantto seriously date again. Until I met James at one of the last parties I went to in college.

Despite the laughably tragic end of our relationship, when we met, James helped me believe in love again, making me laugh when I thought I couldn’t and holding me tight whenever I cried. He made me feel so safe and wanted that I didn’t even hesitate when he asked me to be hisgirlfriend. And when we moved seven hours up north from LA to SF, he made the transition from college to the real world so fun and easy.

James may be an asshole, but he’s an asshole I’ll always owe a lot to. I try to imagine a world where Ihadn’tmet him. Would I have completely given up on relationships, too?

But of course, no amount of gratitude can surpass what I know now. About James and me. And about Celeste. I’m so caught up with all my different thoughts and emotions that I don’t realize we’re back at Celeste’s place until I bump into her as she unlocks the door.

When we’re back inside, Celeste says, “Gem. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have told you all that.”

I shake my head. My voice comes out soft and hoarse when I reply, “No, I’m glad you did. It’s given me a lot to think about.”

Celeste gives me a quizzical look. “How so?”

My eyes burn with tears. “I know we agreed that we both fucked up,” I say. “But for what it’s worth, I’m really sorry, Celeste. I wish I’d waited longer for you. I wish we lived in an alternative universe where we’re still together here in SF.”

Her eyes widen, and she looks at me for a long moment before wiping the drops on my cheeks. “It was such a long time ago, Gem,” she says. “We were both young and could have handled the situation a lot better. Come on, let’s not talk about sad stuff anymore. I’m glad we cleared the air abit more, but I’m so sick of being sad. And I can use a pick-me-up.”

She pulls me in close, and I start kissing her, slowly moving down her neck and to the rest of her body. I can’t change what happened in the past, but Icanchange how she feels at this very moment.

“In that case,” I say. “Let me be of service.”

In the week before their last shoot, Celeste wakes up every day kissing Gemma in the morning and goes to sleep with her arms around her every night. It’s like she died and went to heaven, except her heaven has always been the too-brief time in college when she and Gemma lived together.

She can’t remember the last time she laughed so much, can’t remember the last time she was thishappy. It’s a dangerous type of joy. One that’s so overwhelming she feels like she’s floating, seconds away from crashing back down to the ground.

Every little moment she spends with Gemma feels so precious, to the point that Celeste finds herself unable to sleep in the first few hours of Thursday morning. She watches Gemma as she sleeps, gently running her fingers through the other woman’s long, wavy hair.

It’s been a few days, but she can’t stop thinking about how Gemma had cried for her and the past they’ll never be able to undo. The emotion in her voice had been so raw and genuine that Celeste’s own heart ached.

That’s what she’s always loved about Gemma. From the moment they met during their junior year, she’s always been so earnest. So sincere. While Celeste herself spends most of her time tryingnotto care, Gemma is the opposite, caring so deeply about everything and everyone.

And that’s exactly why, despite her own rekindled feelings for Gemma, Celeste knows she can’t stay in her ex’s life. Even though Gemma claimed she’s not looking for anything serious, Celesteknowsher. The casual relationship thing is most likely a phase, brought on by how badly she was fucked up by her most recent relationship.

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