Page 136 of Every Chance After

CHAPTERFORTY-TWO

Marnie

Mom cuts my hair.An hour into our visit, she says, “You have wicked dead ends, sweetie. Let me take care of that for you,” and, perhaps needing her attention, I can’t resist. She gets her kit from the car. We scoot a chair out from the kitchen table, and she makes the sunlight flicker when she flips out her signature leopard-print cape. It’s just like the old days.

She fingers Grady’s braid loose, fanning my locks and scrutinizing them. “So, what happened to the Sullivan you were supposed to marry?”

“We didn’t work out.” It’s an obvious answer, but it spills out. “Ashe couldn’t handle hard times well.”

“Huh, better you found that out before you walked down the aisle.” She unsheathes her expensive tools, arranging her combs and scissors on the table. “What have I always said? Men can’t be trusted. They never do what they say they’ll do.”

“That’s not always true,” I say gently. “Grady’s not like that. If you stick around, you’ll see.”

Old Mom would’ve jumped into a whirlwind defense of her long-held beliefs about men, highlighting proof, particularly centered around my deadbeat father. I barely remember him. As a teenager, I wanted to argue against her, to ask why, then, did we know so many happy couples in Seagrove, men who loved their wives and stayed. Why did that rule seem to applyonlyto her? And why did she keep finding men if she truly believed it?

But often, I didn’t have the energy to argue, not that she would’ve heard me. When Mom got ideas in her head, she rarely, if ever, shifted them. So, I kept quiet, managing our household peace like it was my job—school, chores, and keeping Mom calm.

She moves to the front of the chair, eyeing me. “Always so pretty, Marnie. You’ve only gotten prettier, you know?”

A weak smile pushes out, though it makes me feel awkward. “Thanks.”

She kneels before me, straightening the cape and resting her hands on my knees. “I’m so sorry, Marnie. I should’ve said it then,thatnight. But I was so ashamed. I knew I didn’t deserve your forgiveness, even if you gave it to me. Finding out about the play and that you couldn’t tell me about it—which I understand now, but I couldn’t take it then. I induced a manic episode with pills and booze, creating the perfect storm that rained all over you. You didn’t deserve what I put you through… not that night. Not all the years before. It was unfair, you managing my condition while I just went wherever it took me. God—I’m sorry. I never gave you a chance to be a kid.”

She shuts her eyes to the tears springing in them.Mom cries?

“I never should’ve left,” she goes on, “Never should’ve run from you and what I caused. I never wanted to be without you. I knew you’d be okay—you were always okay. I also knew that I needed to be okay without you?—”

I bolt from my seat, the chair scraping out from under me. “You’re my mother. How could you ever think I’d be okay without you? I was fifteen.”

Mom steps back, nodding as tears spit from her eyes. “You’re right.”

I scoff and decide not to be nice. “I don’t want to hear I’m right. IknowI’m right. I want you to explainhowyou could do that to me. How you could leave me. How you could wake up every morning after and decide not to come back again.”

I keep my voice low for Tilly, sleeping on the couch nearby, but inside, I’m screaming the words. My arms fold over the cape, awaiting her answer.

Her arms wave off her hips as she shakes her head. “Ihatedmyself, Marnie. That day and every day after for what I did to you. I convinced myself you were better off without me, and I was too cowardly to set anything right. Mel kept tabs on you. I wrote the letters, hoping for another chance, but you didn’t answer. I assumed you didn’t want me back, and I didn’t blame you after the burden I’d been. When I finally got my disorder under control, I decided it was too late.”

Too late.My arms fall to my sides—that’s how I felt about her when her letters came. “But you kept sending the letters.”

“I never lost hope,” she cries, taking a small step forward. “Send me away tonight, and I’ll still send them. I’ll always send them, just in case.”

“Why now?Why?”

“Mel told me about the accident. I thought that if there were ever a time you might let me back into your life, it’d be when yours had gone so wrong. Not that I wanted it to go wrong… It’s just… I hoped you’dneedme—and that’s selfish, I know, and dumb because you’re so much stronger than me. Maybe it sounds crazy, but Ifeltthat you needed me.”

I nod weakly.Thatday replays in my head, a montage of all the times I wanted her there. “I did need you.”

“I’m here, now.”

“I can’t forgive you, Mom.”

She swipes her wet cheeks with her fingers. “I understand.”

“I might, though. Someday.”

A smile breaks through her distress. “That’s good enough for me.”

“But here’s what’s going to happen,” I say, stealing Grady’s words. “You can stay here temporarily, but you must find your own place if you plan to stay.”

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