Page 125 of Renegade Ruin

It hits me like a ton of bricks. Willow is my aisle seat. She’s seen parts of me I previously reserved for the hot showers after a night of trying to forget—the breakdowns, the tears, the undiluted rage that consumes me.

Consumed me.

Past tense. I’m not delusional enough to believe it’s not still there, but it’s nowhere near where it was a month ago. She showed me it’s okay to feel it, let it go, and do it all over again the next day. Because that’s living after tragedy. She challenges me to be who I am, not who I was.

She’s all in.

And now he gets it.

“You can’t tell anyone,” I murmur to Carson, hating the way my chest tightens when I do.

I’ve been such an idiot.

Carson scoffs. “And betray the brotherhood of co-captains? Never.”

I shake my head. “I—I’m worried about her.” Because that’s all I can say. I’m confident Carson won’t say anything, but I can’t say the same for everyone else in the room. Anything more could cost us both our jobs.

Not to mention Willow deserves to hear how I feel before I tell anyone else.

“Listen, it’s none of my business”—he pauses to sip his fruity beer—“but if you care so much, then why are you still sitting here?”

“Because she’s my boss, and the team needs me here.”

Carson grunts, but it comes out more of an annoyed laugh. “I’d be willing to wager my left nutsack that she’d be happy to see you, regardless.”

“Your left one?” I clarify with a pointed look.

Carson shrugs. “Yeah, righty is the more dominant one. I need him if I’m ever going to have kids one day.”

“You are so fucking strange.”

His lip twitches upward. “You love it.”

Unfortunately, the bastard’s right. He’s growing on me.

Carson takes another sip and cocks a brow. “So, you want to be here for the team?”

“Come on, man, don’t do that. I’m trying.”

“I know, but don’t hide behind us just because you’re too scared to be there for the woman you’re clearly interested in.”

Tommy snorts.I like him. Keep him around when I’m gone.

My chest tightens, and I struggle to force air into my lungs. When he’s gone. When the fuck is that? I’ve already lost Norah and Jackson as my conscious interlopers. Am I going to lose Tommy too?

Eventually, you have to let me go. I have to move forward. Just like you.

What if I don’t want to? I might pretend I hate their constant interjections, but having this piece of them has been a lifeline in the midst of all the bullshit.

Tough shit. Now go find Willow.

“Bishop?” Carson’s voice and his hand on my forearm pull me from my spiral. “You okay?”

No.

“I—yeah. I’m fine.”

His eyes narrow, and I’m not sure he believes me. Hell, I wouldn’t believe me. I’m a grown ass man sitting here talking to the voices inside my head.

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