Page 74 of Renegade Ruin

I’m unsure of how much time has passed reminiscing, but when I speak, my voice is barely a gravely whisper. “I need to do right by them.”

“What does that mean?”

“I need to give them a chance to be my team.” I speak the words, but every syllable digs the dagger of betrayal deeper in my gut.

“That’s a good start,” Jolene confirms. “What does that look like?”

I give a half-hearted shrug and sink further into the plush sofa. “Hell if I know anymore.”

“I think you do.” Jolene smiles as she continues. “The fact you came to the conclusion on your own, that it’s about you making the choice to let them in, tells me you can see the disconnect. What about a team dinner? Keep it casual.”

Just the thought of spending an evening with the team makes my skin crawl. It’s not that I couldn’t manage it, hell I see themevery damn day, but dinner is too intimate. On the field, there is a distance between us, almost as if my catcher's gear is armor I can hide behind. At dinner, I have none of that. It’s not seeing them that makes my stomach churn. It’s having to come up with small talk when I have no interest in investing time in them beyond the game. They aren’t my team. I don’t want them to be.

God damn.

That’s the crux of it. I don’twantthem to be my team.

It’s not the first time I’ve had this thought, but it’s the first time I’ve been struck stupid by the gravity of it.

It’s me. I’m the problem.

“Bishop?” Jolene calls my thoughts back to her question of a team gathering.

I shake my head. “They aren’t my team.”

When she speaks again, her voice is soft, almost cautious. “What about one person on the team? Can one person be your team? Then maybe two. And so on.”

Carson is the first person that pops into my head. He’s safe—annoying as all get out with his positive attitude and snarky bullshit—but safe.

“Maybe,” I rasp, even though I want to give her the bird and tell her hell no. But the image of Phoebe smiling keeps me moving forward.

“Before our next session?”

A half smile tips my lips, and I feel my shields sliding back into place. “Now that’s pushing it, doc.”

Jolene sighs and crosses her hands in her lap. The movement reminds me of a parent trying to explain consequences to a child even though the explanation will likely fall on deaf ears. “I understand this is hard for you. What you’ve been through isn’t something to take lightly. Healing takes time. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow, but someday you’ll wake up and realize that some people can be trusted. Sometimes you justneed to jump. Otherwise, you end up standing in the same place your whole life. I’m hoping maybe your team can be the first leap.”

I’m absolutely regretting showing up for this session. Even worse is that I know she’s right.

With every second that passes, my muscles tense as my anger rises—at Jolene for being right, at the team for dying in the crash and leaving me behind, but mostly at myself. It keeps rising until I snap.

“The problem isn’t trusting them,” I bite back louder than I intended. “It’s trusting myself to be okay with losing them when they inevitably walk away.”

“Or die,” Jolene adds, her face a mask of calm and truth.

And there’s the heart of it.

Jolene wants to make plans and find solutions, but instead we’ve found ourselves at the core of my hang-ups. I can’t let them in because they are all going to leave me. It’s the reason why I’ve pushed everyone away. Why I can’t force myself to call my family and tell them I’m okay. I can’t let anyone in because I don’t want to hurt when they inevitably leave or die. It doesn’t matter if that’s years from now. It’s like I see it and—I can’t—fuck.

I stand and run my hand through my hair, tugging until I feel the pain radiate down my skull.

“Fuck you!” I yell, not caring that she shrinks back into her chair. “You think you know what’s going on here and—I—I think we’re done for today.”

“Okay,” Jolene stammers quickly, pressing her lips into a grim line. “We can put a pin in that and come back to it when you’re ready.”

“Fine,” I growl.

“I’ll see you on Monday. Good luck at the game tomorrow.”

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