Page 33 of Rebound

He nods and kisses my palm. “You’re right. So, what I’m trying to say is that financially, you won’t ever need to work. I’ll always look after you.”

I don’t know whether that’s sweet and reassuring or patronizing and insulting. I suppose it depends on how I choose to interpret it. “Thank you. I do appreciate that. But there’s more to life than money. I need a purpose, to be more than your wife or a member of the James family. I need to find out who I am without you. I’m sorry if that hurts, and I hope you understand.”

“Not completely, but I want to,” he says, genuine honesty showing on his face. “Help me understand, baby.”

In recent years, I resented him calling me baby, but now… It feels so natural when we’re lying here like this. “Are you sure you mean that? Isn’t this supposed to be all about fun? Isn’t that the whole point of being Mr. and Mrs. Smith?”

“Yes, I mean it, Amber. And we both know who we truly are, no matter how much we enjoy pretending we’re not. Talk to me,” he says firmly. “I want to understand what’s going on with you.”

I hesitate for a moment. Can I trust him with this piece of me? I have no idea—it’s been so long since I let another human beingreallysee me. But Elijah is one of the few to have had the privilege. Besides, I remind myself, I vowed to make my life more real. This is a good first step toward that goal.

“Okay, I’ll try,” I reply, my hand drifting to his shoulder. “But I’m not sure I totally have a grip on it myself yet. There are still things I’m piecing together, forcing myself to face up to for the first time. I suppose I’ve been trying to figure out where things went wrong, you know?”

“I know. I’ve been doing the same. Go on.” He nuzzles my hair and holds me closer.

“Okay. Well. It’s hard to describe, but I feel like… like I’ve been sleepwalking through life for years now. I stay busy, and I play to my strengths, but I’m faking it. Inside, I’ve been so hollow. When I found out I couldn’t have children, I think I lost my sense of purpose. I couldn’t see the point of me anymore. I was sad and angry and eventually bitter, and that’s not a good combination. It was a huge loss, and I never really grieved for it because of the timing.”

“My mom?” he asks, his voice catching.

“Yes. She found out she was sick, and that took priority, as it had to—and believe me, I don’t hold that against you. But I didn’t have the chance to grieve the fact that I couldn’t be a mother myself—that we lost the life we always imagined. I bottled it all up, and you probably did too, and we ended up lashing out at each other. Now we’re finally escaping that cycle, and you still have everything else that makes youyou—your family, your work, your friends and colleagues, Jamestech. You’re passionate about those things. I don’t have any of that, and I have no clue what I’m passionate about. And I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I’m saying it to explain—I need to find my own way. I need a world outside yours. Does that make any sense?”

He throws his leg over me, and I run my fingers along his thick thigh. “It does make sense. And you’re right—I don’t think either of us really processed that loss.” He gently kisses my bare shoulder. “I was overwhelmed, and you were too. We should have… Well, I don’t suppose that matters now. As for you finding your own world outside mine, if that’s what you want, I’m here for you. On the sidelines, cheerleading.” His voice is heavy with emotion, and I know he’ll take what I told him to heart. He will think it over and look at it from every angle. That’s the kind of man he is.

“I really can’t see you in the uniform,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. This, I suppose, is the trouble with snuggling—it opens up too many doors.

“You’d be surprised. Maybe that could be one ofmyfirsts.”

He’s trying to lighten the mood too, and I gratefully grab hold of it. “I’m not sure I’d be into that—you and pom-poms. If we’re going to be dressing up, I’m sure we can find something better for you. Sexy doctor. Gladiator. Pirate. Fireman.Magic Mikestripper…”

“Whoa, easy tiger. You’ve been thinking about this way too much.”

“What?” I protest, faking outrage. “And you haven’t? What kind of an affair is this?”

He laughs and then gazes up at the ceiling, nodding slowly. “I could go for any of those, to be honest. Sexy doctor is a good one. I like the idea of your gorgeous legs in stirrups while I give you a thorough examination.”

We’re only joking, but the image is vivid… and I like it. A lot.

“We already seem to be trying a few firsts in the bedroom, don’t we?” he says. “I’m not sure Granny Lucille would approve.”

“Ha! Granny Lucille is a lot more open-minded than you might suspect, sir. But yes, we do. You seem to have developed a very dirty mouth for one.”

“And you fucking love it.”

I do indeed fucking love it. Along with the role-playing, the hand tying, and what thehellis going on with my nipples? It’s like they’re, I don’t know, supercharged.

“What on earth are we doing here?” I look up at him, genuinely puzzled, and he laughs.

“Baby, I have no idea. But whatever it is, it’s working for both of us. This is the best sex we’ve ever had.”

“It is, isn’t it? Probably not a good idea to analyze it too closely.”

“No. Let’s not do that. Let’s treat it like Tinkerbell and just keep believing.”

I lightly smack him on the chest. “Don’t compare our perverted sex life to a Disney character. Disney should never be sexy.”

“What? That’s blatant bullshit—have you seenMaleficent? Anyway, that’s a role-play for a different day. Tell me more about your list. Where will you be volunteering?”

“I’m not sure yet. Possibly at a community center in Queens.”

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