Page 64 of Rebound

Not only did I not show up for her today, but I deliberately left her there on her own. I knew what I was doing. I was torturing her, getting petty revenge for something she didn’t do. I wanted her to suffer. And I got what I wanted

“I messaged you… on the burner phone. I told you something terrible had happened. I told you I loved you. That I needed you. You never replied. That was… This will sound silly, but that hurt more than what happened with Freddie.”

My heart cracks in two. I let her down in the worst possible way, and I wouldn’t blame her if she never forgives me for it. I will never forgive myself. “It doesn’t sound silly. But I didn’t get the message. I… I was so angry, so upset. I destroyed the phone.”

“Oh. Well. I hope that made you feel better.” The hint of snark in her tone actually does make me feel a little better. I fucking deserve it.

“It didn’t. Look, I’m so sorry, Amber. I’m so fucking sorry. About everything. I had no right to treat you like that. I listened to Nathan, and I listened to fucking Freddie, and I listened to my own insecurities, when I should have been listening to you. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was so damn broken, baby. I was planning to ask you to come back to me. I wanted us to get back together. I was terrified you would say no, but I was willing to risk it. I hated being apart from you.”

She nods and lets her hand stay in mine. “That’s what I wanted too, Elijah.”

“Wanted?” Past tense. My heart, already broken, shatters. “Is there no way past this? I know I was wrong. I was the world’s biggest jerk. Something awful happened to you, and I wasn’t there when you needed me—but I love you, Amber. With all my fucking heart, I love you.”

“Maybe you do, Elijah, but…” She squeezes my fingers and pulls her hand away, back under the pink blanket. “Nothing is ever going to change. You’ll always have Nathan and the others pouring poison in your ear. You chose him over me, again. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel small and pointless and pathetic. I’ll always be second best, and I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve it, and I won’t take it. Not anymore.”

Her words are strong, but her voice is not. She still sounds shaken, and her lips are trembling again. She’s clinging to her self-control, forcing herself to be brave. She’s also right. About everything.

“No, you don’t deserve that, Amber, you really don’t. And believe me, I wish I could go back in time and change the way I handled everything. I can’t. All I can do is apologize and tell you I love you and promise you I will nevereverreact like that again.”

“Oh, honey.” She manages a small smile. “I know you mean that now, I do. But I’m not sure I can trust you to remember that promise. I think maybe too much damage has been done. On both sides. When Freddie…” Her voice cracks. She clears her throat and continues. “When he touched me like that, my instinct was to reach out to you. To rely on you. You let me down, Elijah, and you know what the truly sad thing is? I wasn’t all that surprised.”

Fuck. She couldn’t have hurt me more if she’d stabbed me in the heart. And I can’t dispute a word of what she said.

I kneel on the floor beside the couch and take her face in my hands. Her skin is soft against my palms, and her eyes meet mine. There’s still no anger there, and it kills me. She should be furious. She should be raging and ranting and calling me every name under the sun. Instead, she seems resigned. As if this is the only reality she’s ever known. All the fight has gone out of her.

I kiss her very gently, a simple touch of my lips on hers, slow and cautious in case the trauma of the day makes even this delicate contact too much for her. We lean our foreheads against each other and stay like that for long moment.

“I did let you down, Amber. And I have no idea if there’s any way I can ever make it up to you, or if you’ll let me try. Believe me, I am willing. I will do anything I need to do to prove myself to you. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. I know you might not be able to see a future for us right at this moment. I understand that. I fucked up. There isn’t a quick fix for any of this, but tonight, I’d like to stay here with you.”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because I can’t stand the thought of you being alone, and truthfully, I don’t want to be alone either. I’ll stay on the couch if that helps, and if you say you don’t want me here, then hell, I’ll sleep on the front stoop. But I need to be near you. I’m not asking you to make a commitment or a promise, and you’d be within your rights if you wake up in the morning and decide you never want to see me again. But for tonight, please, just let me take care of you.”

I feel her tremble against me and wait with my heart pounding as she considers it. Finally, she gives a small, shaky nod.

ChapterTwenty-Nine

AMBER

Iwake up in his arms, and for a split second, it’s glorious. His solid chest rises and falls beneath my cheek, our legs tangled up together between the sheets, our bodies melted into one. I sigh and slowly awaken.

As soon as I do, the horrors of the day before crash down on me. Freddie. Nathan. Sitting alone in Greenwich Village after Elijah discarded me like a used tissue. The journey back here and my gradual descent into emotional chaos. Being unable to eat or drink and getting sick with nothing but bile to purge from my stomach. I cried until my eyes were gritty and swollen, and as soon as I drifted off into a restless doze, Elijah was hammering on my door.

I don’t regret letting him stay—I slept surprisingly well wrapped up in my husband. My mind allowed itself to be hoodwinked, let me feel safe for one night. But now, as the bright winter sunlight creeps in around the drapes, a new day begins. I take deep breaths and try to steady myself before panic can grab hold of me. I’m not at all sure I want this new day.

“Morning, baby,” Elijah says, stroking my upper arms, holding me close. I look up and almost melt at the sight of his deep gray eyes brimming with love. His hair is all messy, and he gives me his lopsided smile before dropping a gentle and reassuring kiss on my head. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t really know,” I answer honestly. “I’m glad you stayed. Thank you for that. But…”

“But it doesn’t change anything? I know that, baby. I didn’t expect it to. I’ve been thinking about what you said, and you were right. I didn’t want to believe Nathan, but I did anyway. I thought I was being impartial by fact-checking with Freddie—that I was doing my due diligence by calling the dickhead who assaulted you. I didn’t put you first, and I didn’t trust you enough to stand by you. That was a mistake, and I can’t promise I won’t make other mistakes. All I can say is that I want to try. I want to give us another shot. Give it our best shot. I love you, Amber, and I’m not ready to let you go.”

It’s a pretty speech, and I have to smile at the thought of him rehearsing it. “You’ve been awake for a while, huh?”

“Fuck yes,” he says, laughing. “I was waiting for you to open your eyes so I could say all of that. But I mean it, every single word. Give me another chance. Give us another chance. At least say you’ll think about it.”

I lie against him, enjoying the feel of his silky chest hair against my face. I still feel comforted by his presence, but I don’t trust him to be present when I need him. “I’m not making any promises, Elijah. Right now, my answer would be no—so if you want it to be yes, you’ll need to give me some time and space. And I don’t think I’m the only person who needs to think about it. You need to really think about what it would mean if we got back together. For you, for your family—it would cause as much conflict as us splitting up did. That’s a lot for you to cope with, being pulled in two different directions.”

It would also be a lot for me to cope with, but I don’t say that. I don’t think I need to. While pretending that we were merely having an affair, we managed to rebuild a great deal of our foundation and to forge a new bridge of trust. In one fell swoop, that has all been swept away. The wound that was healing has been ripped open once more, and I don’t know if either of us truly has the energy to start all over again.

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