Page 104 of Counting On You

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Vicky

AN OPEN LETTERTO JANE AUSTEN

Dear Jane,

Istill feela lot of anger in my sessions, but my new bestie says it’s a good thing. I’m not angry with Bruce’s mom, or his ex. I’m angry with myself for wasting eight months of my life on someone who wasn’t worth it. I feel anger that I was blind. Anger for being weak, for getting invested in something that was never real.

Him gettingmarried was the push I needed to step back and contemplate my life, see things for how they really are. When I read that letter, I was scared of the big pain that I thought would hit me, for it to crush me, that I would become more obsessive. But none of it happened.

I just stopped caring. That’s all. The only things I now care about are my family, my new friend, Sylvie, and Kade.

That’s right. Kade.

This is the first time I’m mentioning him. Until now, I barely allowed myself to think about him.

Jane, I must confess something:

I like Kade. A lot. Like really, really a lot. And not just as a friend. I love his body, the way he smiles at me, as though I’m the one thing that brightens his day. I love the way his hands roam over my body, aching to touch every inch of me. It would be all too easy to fall in love with him. I’ll need to guard my heart to stop preventing falling for him because I won’t make the same mistake twice.

This morning, I found myself staring in the mirror. While I looked the same as always, there was something there—a change that hadn’t been there before. I had thought I found love with Bruce, but now I don’t think that’s true at all. My obsession with Bruce drove me to the brink of insanity. With every bit of rejection, I became even more obsessed. The drama made me fixated. Every plea that escaped his lips turned into more damage to my being. At some point, it sent me on a trail of destruction where I began to hope and seek for the wrong things. All the turmoil and the feeling of desperation, that’s not love. I recognize that now.

Sylvie recommended that I step back and try to focus on myself for a change rather than on a man. She’s right, of course. I know that if I don’t follow her advice, I’ll end up falling into an even darker pit where confusion, obsession, and self-doubt continue to plague me. I refuse to be stuck in the hell my mind’s all too ready to concoct for me.

I have to think about the future and protect myself. Not only to prevent myself from having my heart broken again, but also so I won’t fall again for the wrong person. In here, for the time being, I feel safe. But as soon as I think of tomorrow, I worry about the future. I worry that I’ll fall back into old patterns and get back to that one place where obsession is a big part of my dysfunction. I don’t want to go back to my delusions.

Don’t be mad that I’m no longer writing regularly but never has a future been so full of unknown roads. I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore.

Am I the one chasing love or is love chasing me?

Did I ever feel love at all?

Yours affectionately,

Vicky Sullivan

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