Page 120 of Counting On You

Chapter Thirty-One

Vicky

AN OPEN LETTERTO JANE AUSTEN

Dear Jane,

The rehab experience has turned out different than I could have ever imagined. Every morning, I wake up energized, excited to see Kade. He has become the reason why I don’t want this to end.

I don’t want us to end.

But as night comes, I can no longer silence the voice of reason that this will not, and cannot, last.

Nothing will last.

Not the peace. Not the fake harmony. Nor the little things that have etched his image into my heart. I’m waiting for that one defining moment when everything starts to fall apart…where ties are severed.

Layers removed.

Rose-colored glasses taken off.

Walls made of lies destroyed.

I really dread the day when one of us will leave this place. I know I’m going to miss him, miss what we have, for a long time.

When I look in the mirror, I see me. The true me. And it’s a different me from what I thought I saw before. It’s become impossible to see what enticed me about Bruce in the first place. He wasn’t even a good kisser, not at all like Kade whose lips are to die for. I cannot help but wonder what I ever saw in Bruce. I find myself forgetting him more and more, as if he’s being wiped from my memory, while I find myself falling more and more in love with my roommate.

When Kade kisses me, countless butterflies are fluttering inside my abdomen. They’re beautiful and vibrant—nothing like the moths burning to dust whenever Bruce touched me.

My therapist mentioned one’s ability to actively love without being in love. Isn’t that something Kade once mentioned, too? I’m not sure how I feel about it, but a part of me keeps thinking they both might be right. Could it be possible that I used to love the idea of Bruce loving me, because I needed it and so I unconsciously decided to actively pursue it? That I was in a rush to love someone because my sister got married and I couldn’t bear the idea of being alone? Or maybe it was the disappointment of my father’s leaving that pushed me to pursue the first guy I came across?

If love with Bruce wasn’t real, what is this thing I have with Kade? Do I love him because he’s helping me and makes me feel good about myself? Or does my body love him because he’s good at what he does?

Idon’t know, Jane. All I know is that my feelings are turning into something I’ve never felt before. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the need to stalk a man. I just want to see him happy, be that happiness with me or with someone else.

Yours affectionately,

Vicky Sullivan

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