Page 75 of Counting On You

“It’s okay. I’m not offended,” I say. “Look, I’m a lot of things, and that includes not wanting to form any sort of commitment. But I’m not incapable of loving. I was in love once in my life. That happened a long time ago, and I hope it stays that way.”

“I told you my story, and now it’s only fair that you tell me yours, Kade.”

I consider rejecting her request. Ah, what the hell? “Fine. It’s not like you’ll remember any of this.” I hold her hand as we resume walking. “I was twenty, and I was in love with this girl, alright? She meant the world to me. Back then, I truly believed we had a good thing going. At some point, even the word marriage came up. As you can probably guess, something happened.” Taking a deep breath, I realize something. Old wounds might have healed, but the scars are still here. No one ever leaves your life without leaving their footprint in the sands of your being.

“Did she die?” Vicky whispers.

I shoot her a sideways glance and scoff. “You think I would be telling you this story if that was the case? No, she didn’t die, Vicky. She cheated on me. With my then best friend.”

The sudden silence is heavy.

“Cash?” she asks eventually.

“Not Cash. Someone else I never thought would betray me. But friends are like that. You never really know someone, until you do, and then it’s too late.” I shake my head. “I thought I could trust them. I was so naïve to believe that the only reason they spent time together was to plan a party for me. Fuck, even my uptight brother told me they were fucking, and I didn’t want to believe him. That’s how much I trusted them.” I pause to gather my thoughts. The turmoil is still there, but it’s numbed, just like the rest of me. “As things stand, my brother was right. I couldn’t forgive, so I cut all ties with my so-called best friend. Three months after their little affair, he moved on to someone else and she was back on the market.”

“Did she try to sort things out with you?”

“Not that I know of.” Her betrayal hurt so much, for months I jumped whenever the phone rang, thinking that she might be on the other end of the line. “That’s the strange part. I thought she loved me and that she’d want to get back together, realizing that she made a mistake. But she didn’t. She moved on to the next guy even though I tried everything to win her back despite the hurt she had caused. I was willing to forgive her. Fuck, I even tried my damnedest to give her time and space, but you know what they say? You won’t make it work if only one’s trying. There are two people in every relationship. My relationship didn’t work out because I was the only one in it.”

“I’m so sorry, Kade,” Vicky whispers.

“Looking back now, I can tell that I was obsessive. I gave her so much and she wasn’t happy. Today, there are days when I think back and reflect on how young and stupid I was.” I turn to look at her. “My point is, do you understand that what you’re feeling isn’t love?”

“What do you call it then?”

“Obsession.” My eyes search hers. In spite of the darkness surrounding us, I can glimpse an awareness that tells me my story has reached a deep part of her. “Obsession, Vicky. I had this perfect idea of love, and I wanted her to be that one woman worthy of my worship. She had the looks, but not the personality. I needed someone who completed me. But all she did was fill a need. As soon as I learned to be happy with and focus on myself, I realized where true happiness comes from. Thinking back, it’s hard for me to imagine that I truly believed I was in love with her.” I laugh. “It’s actually strange that we’re talking about her today out of all days.”

“Why?”

“Because I ran into her at a party this time last year.”

“How was she?” Vicky asks.

I shrug my shoulders and we resume walking. “She was nice, very impressed by my success. Told me she had been following me online for years but was too afraid to get in touch. She still looked good. Her hair was all done. Same weight, same style. But it still took me two minutes to remember her.” I grin at Vicky’s horrified expression. “It’s as if a part of me had forgotten her, pushed her back into the deepest recesses of my mind. The moment she told me her name and I recognized her, I felt this huge surge of relief. Relief that I had absolutely no feelings left for her.”

“None at all?”

“None,” I say. “I was surprised. But I still had to make sure I was completely over her, so I fucked her all night, and then I left. The feelings I thought I had for her never came back. Worse yet, and I feel bad saying so, but I didn’t give a crap about what she had become. I don’t care about her at all. She could have died, and it wouldn’t have mattered to me.”

We stop at the clearing to stare up at the building before us. Most windows are illuminated now. We need to make it inside as soon as possible before someone spies us out here.

“Come on. We need to get going.”

“Wait.” Her hand finds mine, squeezing into it, fitting perfectly. “You’re saying it was just a phase, an obsession,” she starts, resuming the conversation.

“Nothing that is real or lasting. It’s something that passed the moment I decided to move on. That’s why I know you don’t love Bruce. When I look at you, I see myself many years ago. I see you making the same mistakes I made. And that’s why I’m so angry, Vicky. Not at you, but at him.” My finger settles beneath her chin, raising it a little until I’m sure I have her full attention. “You might think you love him, that this is some rough patch that will pass and he’ll come around. But make no mistake, he knows what he’s doing, just like my ex knew what she was doing when she cheated with my best friend. So, no, true love doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t break you. It’s all too easy to mistake obsession for love. Once you step over the brink and leave that insanity behind, you’ll realize there’s no good reason why you’d want to suck it up. There’s no good reason why you’d want to keep making excuses for someone who’s not worthy of them.”

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