Page 30 of A Lapse in Time

"I felt afraid for the guy. Later that same night, a man asked for my autograph and told me his daughter wanted to get into boxing, which bothered me. I know everyone's experience won't be mine. I just didn't know how to separate it at the moment. Ialso don't know what else to do with myself. All I ever knew was boxing, but I can't see myself ever doing that again."

Dr. Mitchell was quiet for a minute as she wrote something down in her notepad. I tried to peek and see what she wrote, but I didn't want to make it obvious. I couldn't see any way, so I gave up trying.

"Let's start at the part about being afraid for the guy and the other guy's daughter. It's normal for you to feel that way after what you experienced, but like you said, everyone's experience is different. Think about all the years you fought and didn't have any issues. Unfortunately, we never know when something could go wrong. Imagine if you thought like that all the time. You wouldn't want to do anything, would you?"

I shook my head.

"And while your feelings are valid, we have to find ways to think of the positives. I'm going to give you some exercises to help you get out of that way of thinking and to also cope with the panic attacks if they happen again."

"Okay."

"As far as you figuring out what's next, that doesn't have to come yet. I'm sure you are still learning your new normal. In due time, it will come to you. I want you to get yourself a journal and write down the things you like doing. I know some things may be hard because it could be something you later learned in life, so don't worry about those. Focus on what Carsyn likes right now. If it seems too hard, then don't worry about it. You can write down some things that you think you may want to try. If you feel comfortable, share these things with your support system. Maybe they can do them with you."

"I can do that."

When I was younger, I knew I enjoyed baking cookies with my sister. I also liked to color and draw sometimes. I didn't loveeither as much as I did boxing, but that was out. I wouldn't mind working out again because I did enjoy that.

"How are things with your husband and your family?"

A smile spread across my face when she mentioned Noah.

"My family has been great. They are there when I need them, but they also give my husband and me space. My husband is everything. He has been so supportive and understanding. I know this whole thing bothers him, but he tries his best to hide it. It's easy being with him because I've always had a crush on him. It's like my brain doesn't remember anything, but my heart does. Sometimes, I feel like Noah feels like I'm going to leave him, but I don't know why. I haven't expressed that I'm leaving him because I won't. I have no reason to."

I felt a few tears drop from my eyes. I hated that Noah felt like that, and I didn't know how to fix it. Dr. Mitchell passed me a box of tissues, then wrote something down again.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Sad because I don't know what to say to help him see that I'm not going anywhere. I guess he's afraid since I don't remember anything. The past doesn't matter, though, because what I feel for him now is real. I'm determined to make this work for the sake of our marriage and our daughter. I feel like he's hiding something and doesn't want me to find out."

I prayed Noah didn't have secrets, and that was why he thought I would leave him. I didn't think that was the case, though. I'm sure my family would have an issue with him if they thought he would hurt me in any way.

"Maybe he's just scared because all of this is new for everyone. Have you two talked about why he feels that way?"

"To a degree. He's expressed to me that he's afraid of me leaving, but he hasn't said why he feels like that." I twisted my ring again.

Dr. Mitchell gave me a genuine smile.

"I think you should start there."

Noah had therapy coming, so maybe I would wait a few days to bring it up.

"Okay. That's all for today. I want to see you next week. Let me know if your homework helps you."

"Sounds good. Thank you, Dr. Mitchell."

"Call me Morgan. I'll see you next week, Carsyn."

I stood from the couch and shook her hand.

"Bye, Morgan."

I stopped at the front desk to make another appointment and left the office.

As I stepped outside, I saw Noah leaning against his car with his hands in his pockets. Goosebumps filled my arms when he smiled at me. Noah made my heart skip a beat every time I looked at him, especially when he was in daddy mode or when I would catch him staring at me.

The last time we had sex, he cried, and I couldn't help but cry with him. Everything in that moment was so emotional.

He pushed himself from the car and walked toward me. The car window was open, and I heard Nia calling me, but I was too focused on her father.

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