Page 167 of Deep End

“You know it, don’t you?” he asks.

“What?”

“From the very start, you had all the power. From the very start, I was in the palm of your hand.”

I did, I think. I definitely do now. “Yes.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “As long as you are aware, Scarlett.”

I don’t even have to run from him, because he’s the one to leave. He kisses my forehead and turns around, and then I watch him walk away until he’s just a fuzzy figure, blurred by my tears.

CHAPTER 65

I’M NOT A COWARD.

Or maybe I am.

Am I?

“I’m not saying that you are. Or aren’t,” Barb muses, eating a bite of mac and cheese I made from scratch like the ingrate she is. “Like Ludwig taught us: some questions don’t need to be solved, but dissolved.”

“I don’t recall meeting anyone named Ludwig.”

“Wittgenstein. Renowned Austrian philosopher.”

I sigh. “I knew it wasn’t the bones that took up space in your head.”

“Perhaps it’s aphorisms.” She licks her spoon. “The point is, Ludwig wouldn’t want you to keep wondering whether you did the right thing by leaving California. You should simply dissolve the problem and accept that you did what you needed for your peace of mind.”

“Are you sure that’s what Ludwig would want?”

“Of course. He personally told me. He always cared so very much about your well-being.”

“He did, didn’t he?”

“Plus, you’re doing your internship with Makayla here inSt. Louis.”

True, technically. I just hadn’t planned on peacing out of California the day after the NCAA.

On a needlessly overpriced flight.

Without saying goodbye to anyone.

Leaving uneaten groceries in the fridge.

I’ve been home for nearly ten days, and it took me about half of that to explain to Barb why I turned up on her doorstep with no warning at all.

The rest has been spent trying to sort out my feelings.

“You’ve always been slow at that kind of stuff,” Barb says now, over the bowl of mac and cheese for which I bought expensive pecorino. Usinghermoney. “But take your time. It’s not like there’s a strapping Swedish lad with a Stanford Med acceptance waiting for you.”

“My feelings for Lukas are—that’s not the problem.”

“What’s the problem, then?”

Right. Whatisthe problem? “Do you think that . . . Do you think that a relationship that started so messily, and with so many hiccups, and hurting other people, can have a happy future?”

Barb smiles. “I think every relationship is the same.”

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