Page 48 of Deep End

“Great job today, everyone,” Lukas says. Then, still looking at his teammates, but lower: “Breathe, Scarlett.”

I’m trying. I’mtrying, but it’s not easy.

“We’re going to need to work on this,” he says.

“On w-what?” I scrape out.

“Your tendency to let your vital organs shut down whenever something unexpected happens. Your neurons can only take so many anoxic events.” We’re in the middle of the lobby of our place of employment. Lukas’s voice is low and warm. And in my hand . . .

In my hand there is a list of the filthiest things two people can do to each other.

“Do you know what that is?” he repeats, patient.

I nod, forcing myself to inhale deeply.Here, brain, have some oxygen and glucose and . . . porn?“I am familiar, yes.” It just caught me by surprise. And it’s not my fault if the first thing I read on it wascum play. It’s a dramatic sea change—from talking about sex in the vaguest of terms, to holding a piece of paper that proudly proclaims DDLG.

“Ever used one of these?”

“Not really. I . . .” Truthfully, I researched them. And I read them through. And I debated showing them to Josh. And then I realized someone who balked at the idea of nipple clamps would probablynot enjoy reading a BDSM checklist that included stuff likeanal fisting,cross mounting, andchastity gear. “No.”

“Are you okay with using it now?”

“Yes. I am.”VeryFifty Shades, Pen would say with a smirk.

Pen. God. Will sober Pen still be okay with this?

“Text me when you’re done filling it in,” he says. All business.

“What about yours?”

“I’m done with mine.”

“Can I see it?”

One of those crooked smiles. “Are you trying to copy my homework?”

“Well, it would help.”

“And it would save you the ordeal of having to admit to your own wants, wouldn’t it?”

He’sabsolutelyright. And I am mortified that I even asked. “Okay. I . . . thank you for giving this to me. I’ll let you know when I’m done.” I make to leave, but a finger slides in the belt loop of my jeans and pulls me back. Close.

“Hey,” he says, soft. “I need to know what you need, Scarlett. And whether I can provide it for you.”

It should be me.

“What if . . .”

“Listen.” His thumb and forefinger find my chin and lift it. His eyes are a level, impossibly pretty blue. “I spent the last few years with someone who had no interest in any of this, and have lots of experience with mismatched sex drives. I can handle you not wanting the same things as I do, and I’ll never judge you for what you’re into. Fuck, some of the things thatIwant—” His laugh is an unamused huff. His hand runs through his hair, tousling it a little.

It occurs to me that maybe it’s hard for him, too, coming clean about this. That we both have some baggage when it comes to being honest about what turns us on. And more importantly, that Iwantto know everything about his desires, and it’s natural for him to want the same.

“Okay.” My smile is small, but sincere. “I’ll do it as soon as possible.”

“Take your time. Think it through.”

I snort. “I feel like the weak link in a group project. Last to do her part.”

“Hmm. That’s not incorrect.”

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