Page 116 of Problematic Summer Romance

“He didn’t.”

“Pretty sure. I was there.”

“Maya, he wasn’t pretending. I guarantee you that every boy your age wants you. Menmyage want you. Wherever you go, every-fucking-body is looking at you.”

I laugh, because he’s a lunatic. I love it. “Say they do? I don’t care. Not-Hans is not my type. He’s at least two decades away from a colonoscopy.”

His glare is venomous.

“Don’t be bitter, Conor. You still have all of your natural hair.” I pat his hand and try to free myself, but he doesn’t let go. Which is…interesting. “I thought you were tired?” His face says a lot of things, and I can’t begin to understand them. “And that you didn’t want me here?”

Silence. In the soft golden light, he’s unreadable.

“It’s funny. Ten months ago, you tried to eject me from your life, but you never once managed to say that you didn’t want me. And tonight…” A flick of my free wrist. “All you need to say is that your days have been better without me in them, and that I should leave you alone. And I will never bother you again.”

He lets go of me. His face shutters. “Some lies are too big. Even for me.”

“Then stop being so terrified of me—”

“I’m not afraid of you. I am afraid of myself, and of the person I become when I’m around you.” He leans over me, crowds me, his eyes a cold burn into mine. “I have never wanted anything as desperately, as ungovernably, as persistently as I want you. Not a single goddamn thing. Not my dead mother back. Not revenge. Not the well-being of the people I love. Not professional success, not even my own happiness. Absolutelynothinghas consumed me as mercilessly as you have.”

My throat constricts, bitter. “So ten months ago you pushed me away, and never thought of me again.”

“Is that what you think? That ten months ago I woke up, had a difficult conversation, ripped the Band-Aid, and spent the rest of my life reaping the fruits of my bravery?” He shifts deeper into me. His lips brush against my ear, like he cannot bear to hold my eyes as he speaks. “For ten months, day after day, I woke up and fought my most base instinct, which was to call you—no, tocometo you.Every day since that phone call, I spent remaking the choice to free you of my presence in your life, so that you could have a better one. Make no mistake, Maya: we may not have spoken or seen each other, but for the last ten months my relationship with you was the most labor-intensive and all-encompassing presence in my life.”

Every word hurts. Every word pulsates through me. And yet, I ask: “I told you that I loved you, and you said…” I pull back to see his reaction. “You said that it would pass.”

“I did.”

“How did that work out for you?”

A smile tugs at his lips. “I said that it would pass for you, Maya. I was never under the illusion that it would so much as fade, for me. And I was prepared for it.” A heartbeat. “I still am.”

I gasp, incredulous. “Why? I’m standing in front of you, telling you that for me the last ten months never even happened—”

“Maybe it just wasn’t long enough.” He seems lost. “And you need more time.”

I want to bite him. I want to sink my incisors and my canines into him and make him bleed. I want it so bad that my hands and my shoulders are shaking, and honestly fuck thesegames. “Do you want me to leave?”

“It would be best if—”

“Notthe question I—”

“No, Maya. I never want you to be anywhere but with me.”

My heart stops. Restarts with a riot. The cautious hope for a breakthrough. I force myself to breathe evenly, and make my decision.

I lay my hand against his pecs. Run it down his smooth skin, curling it around the elastic of his sweats. My meaning is: If I stay, this is happening. If I stay, I’m not going to let you pretend thatwe’re good friends reconnecting. And Conor has always been good at understanding what I’m trying to say.

But then he tells me: “If you stay…You’re in charge.”

That, I didn’t expect. “Are you one of those CEOs who enjoy doing their dominatrix’s laundry?”

Soft laughter. “Would that be an issue?”

“No.” I think about it. “It might be fun.”

“I’m happy to help you with your laundry, but…” His hands cup both sides of my head. “I need you to decide, because nothing has changed. You’re still younger and less experienced, and—”

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