Page 111 of The Devils They Are

"Protect me?" I gape at him. "She left me. There was the potential option that I could have been a match and saved her. But she purposely chose not to pursue it."

He sighs, regretfully. "This is not my place to say, and to be fair, we didn't discuss her reasons for declining. But I honestly believe she didn't want you to—using your words—'save' her. She didn't want to place that burden on you."

"No. Instead, she placed a whole other burden on me." I swallow hard. "She took away that choice from me. That was a decision that should have involved me."

Dr. Lavings nods, leaning forward to pat my hand. "I know, sweetheart. People make decisions at the end of their life that don't always make sense to us."

Shaking my head, I focus on a spot on the wall, silent tears sliding down my cheeks. I don't know how to feel. I'm so angry, but at the same time, I feel broken again. She knew she was dying and didn't say anything. The little white lies she fed me from her hospital bed changed the course of my life. It altered my decisions and shattered the vision of a future I had in mind. I was preparing for things that were never going to happen. She had me believe in hope, knowing that it was never coming.

I close my eyes, squashing the crushing feeling that's suffocating me. When I open them again, my voice is robotic and empty.

"I'll arrange another appointment for my annual. But thank you for the information. At least I have some answers now."

Chapter forty

Bexley

I'mcompletelyinautopilotmode driving away from the clinic. That familiar rage is back, along with several other emotions, all drowning me at once. The moment I compartmentalize one, another slips back out, and it feels like I'm close to losing control.

There's a small fragment of relief that I have answers now, understanding how everything went to shit so quickly. But there's also guilt and hatred at myself for feeling so angry at my dead mother.

What does that say about me as a person? You're supposed to mourn the dead, not be angry at them.

I can't help it though. And without even stopping to ask myself if this is a good idea, I screech to a stop in front of the large house.

Ringing the doorbell, I compose myself, hanging onto that thread of control before the door swings open and I'm greeted by a bright smiling face.

"Bexley! How lovely to see you," Mary gushes, brushing her hand over her apron. It's covered in flour and I can smell the lingering scent of vanilla wafting from inside. "Sophia isn't home yet but Tai is upstairs."

"Thank you," I forcefully smile. "Can I head up to his room?"

She steps aside, opening the door fully for me. "Of course you can. Let me know if you need anything."

I knew she was a beautiful soul before but now knowing that Tai and I share the same feelings of heartbreak, I have a new appreciation for the woman. Soph and Tai are very lucky to have her in their lives. The three of them care about each other a lot and I have to admit, I'm a little envious. But on the same token, I'm so relieved and happy for them.

"Thanks, Mary," I mutter and without realizing I'm doing it, I launch forward and pull her into a hug.

"Ohh." She laughs softly, hugging me back. "I'm probably getting self-rising flour all over you."

"I don't care," I whisper, taking a moment to live vicariously through the Becketts. "It's worth it."

As I pull back, I notice her tinged cheeks, her eyes matching her lips as she beams at me. Giving her a tight smile back, I head up the stairs, straight for Tai's bedroom.

There's music coming from inside, and I hesitate for a second, wondering if I should knock. But I keep with my habit of storming into bedrooms, twisting the handle and inviting myself in.

Tai glances over casually, before doing a double take, eyes widening in surprise. "Bexley."

I close the door, leaning my back against it. "Can we hang for a bit?"

He nods, slipping off his headphones. "You have flour all over your skirt and jersey," he muses.

When I don't move or respond, he frowns, standing from his chair and walking over.

"What happened?"

I shrug. "Remember how you said there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome?"

Tai tilts his head curiously. "Yeah?"

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