Page 100 of Brother In Arms

“I want it,” I said and swallowed hard.

“So take it; it’s right there.”

“That’s the problem,” I said nervously, scrapping my bottom lip between my teeth. “Any time I’ve really wanted something, I’ve had to work for it, I’ve had to earn it, and nine times out of ten when I finally got there? It was either denied me, or like Blue Hills, was snatched completely out of my grip anyways. If something good is going to finally come my way, I want it to be you. I guess I’m scared, and overwhelmed, and I just don’t know what to do…”

“Say yes,” he said. “Stop letting these assholes tell you what you can and can’t do. Stop coloring inside the lines and fucking say yes. Let a motherfucker come and try and take this from you. See what he gets.”

I searched his grim face and said, “It was you, wasn’t it? Or if it wasn’t you, it was the club.” I’d had the news messaged to me from several different sources about Giangiulio’s house exploding in the wee hours due to a suspected gas-leak. ‘Karma Hits Disreputable Developer’ was the going headline and the photos of his leveled house were displayed side by side with aerial shots of the burned out shell that was mine.

“That’s club business, baby. You know I can’t and won’t discuss.”

I closed my eyes and nodded, shivering a bit. Rush pulled the quilt at the bottom of the bed up over us both. He gathered me close and I cuddled into the cocoon of heat his body provided in the air conditioned hush of his room.

“So much is happening just so fast, do I have to decide right now?”

“No, baby, you don’t. You can take as much time as you need with this.”

I nodded and lay my head on his shoulder and picked at myself silently. Why didn’t I just say yes? What was holding me back? I mean what I’d said had been true. I’d lost count of how many times I’d been promised something or other and had gotten my hopes up, only for funds and attention to be diverted to what the favored son wanted to do instead.

I thought Blue Hills had finally been something I could build and be proud of but no, even that had been ruined for me by my brother. I wondered why he hated me so much, I mean he had everything he could ever want and god forbid I should ever complain about it… I just didn’t know what the hell my problem was, other than I needed therapy, and likely a lot of it.

I drowsed peacefully in my lover’s arms and he held me, no judgments, no recriminations, just held me and made sure I knew that whatever I decided it was okay.

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