Page 14 of Her Brother's Keeper

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to,” I said and he just smiled at me and went out anyways.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through all of the emotions welling up in me at once. Instead of calming down, though, I felt like I was losing ground containing them with every breath I took, rather than gaining any of the control I fought so hard to keep.

I looked at Nox who was sitting there, quietly, solid and sympathetic, without saying a single word and all I could whisper was, “He was my dad, too…” before my shoulders shook with the sobs I just couldn’t suppress anymore.

“I know, Baby,” he soothed and pulled me into a tight hug, kneading the base of my skull with his fingertips, probing along my neck as if taking some kind of measure. He let me cry, and it was cathartic. One of those good, strong, cries that left you feeling cleansed and regrouped and ready to take on more. I sat back and he gave me a paper towel off the roll in the standing dispenser in the middle of the table that we used for napkins.

I wiped off my face and blew my nose and he smiled a little wanly and asked, “Better?”

I nodded, “Better.”

Rush came back through the front door and walked briskly back to where we were at, “I really hope y’all are good because it’s cold as hell out there and I can’t do it anymore.”

I laughed lightly, “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be. This is the kind of shit you aren’t supposed to go through until you’re something like fifty.”

I nodded silently and traded a look with Nox who smiled encouragingly. We’d texted throughout the holiday briefly, late Christmas night, and yesterday morning. I hadn’t gotten to talk to him much yesterday throughout the day as he’d said he was at work. Just a few ‘how are you doing’ texts between clients for him and he’d put in a long day of appointments, crashing for the night early. I didn’t know how he could do it with his hands, wonderingdidn’t they get tired?

A knock fell at the front door interrupting my thoughts as we finished up our meal and I called out, “Sage! Get ready, I think that’s Ariel!” Nox trailed me up the hallway as I slipped past Rush, I opened the door to two men in blue work uniforms standing on my porch, the one who’d knocked held a clipboard and I felt my face fall.

“Maren Tracy?” he asked, quiet and respectfully.

“Yes, please come in.” I stepped back to let the men from the hospice equipment place into the house and stepped back lightly into Nox’s chest. His hands fell on my shoulders and I jumped slightly, his thumbs digging in between my shoulder blades, releasing the knot of tension I had mounting there.

Sage came half way down the stairs and Rush put up a hand to stop him, “Not for you, after all, little buddy. Let these guys do their thing, okay?”

Sage rolled his eyes and turned around, “Whatever,” he muttered and jogged back up the staircase. I closed my eyes and let him go.

“I’m sorry, Rush…”

“Don’t be,” Nox said soothingly by my ear. “You doing okay?”

I nodded and watched them take the IV stand out first, and the medical tray table my dad took meals on… his last meals, my eyes watering up. I hugged myself and stood aside and let them take the bed and the other miscellaneous things out of the living room.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Ma’am,” the worker said and shook my hand. I signed that they had picked up the equipment with shaking fingers and sniffed.

“Is that why you came today?” I asked Nox quietly.

“We figured you could use a hand moving the furniture back into place,” he said and I burst into a fresh round of sobs. He swept a hand over his short, dark hair and turned me around, pulling me into another hug. Rubbing my back until the well ran itself dry again.

“Maren?” I looked up the stairs and felt my heart drop, Sage was three steps up and looking scared and uncertain. I sniffed and wiped my eyes on my sleeve and tried to get my shit together.

“It’s okay Sage. I’m sorry. What do you need?”

It was too late, though, he’d seen weakness and he dropped like a stone to the steps and burst into tears himself. I went and sat down next to him and we both sniffed and cried it out and I kept telling him, over and over, “I don’t want you to be scared, Sage. It’s okay, I’m doing everything I can and everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

“I thought you didn’t care!” he wailed and I felt stricken.

“Of course I care, how could you think I didn’t care?” I hugged my brother tightly.

“Then why didn’t you cry? When dad died and they came and took him away, why weren’t you upset?”

“Iwasupset, Iamupset, Sage, I just didn’t want you to see it. I’m trying to be strong for the both of us.”

“You’re a liar!” he screamed and shoved me off of him and bounded up the stairs. “You wanted him dead!” he shouted, disappearing into his room and slamming the door behind him. I sat there in stunned silence, the knife twisting deep in my heart and I was almost afraid that my relationship with my brother was forever changed in that instant. Rush broke the heavy silence hanging over the three of us remaining.

“Well, shit. That probably didn’t go according to plan.”

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