Page 78 of Her Brother's Keeper

“Hey,” I looked up from where I was washing my hands in the small bathroom’s sink, just off our room in the great lodge.

“What’s up?” I asked and felt a shiver of anticipation as Nox let his eyes roam over the back of my body. I stared at him in the mirror above the sink while he shuddered as if being released from a dream.

“Dinner’s not for a few hours,” he drawled, and I smiled.

“I should hope not, we just ate at the diner not too long ago.”

“Meh, usually us guys are hungry by the time we get from there to here and dinner is being served up, but something delayed the lodge getting on the food…”

I turned, and he stopped talking, letting his beautiful gray eyes give the front of my body the same treatment they’d given the back a moment before. I felt my chest squeeze down tight with want, making it hard to draw air, and asked, “What do you want to do to kill time?”

“I thought,” he said, taking my hands in his, drawing me closer, into the protective curve of his body, hands finding my hips, sliding around to my lower back, delving beneath the hem of my shirt.

I closed my eyes, the light, lingering touch of his long fingers against the warm skin of my lower back like heaven as he finished his sentence, “We could talk about what was bugging you before we hit the road…”

It wasn’t what I expected and it startled me out of my enjoyment, putting me slightly on the defensive.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I murmured and Nox sighed softly.

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Baby. Dani saw it, and when she did, I did… I just feel bad I didn’t pick up on it sooner. It’s okay, you can talk to me… what’s up?”

He stared me in the eyes, his expression so intent and sincere, it made me swallow hard. I both ached to tell him, to let it out and to feel better, and feared what his reaction would be. If it were anyone else, anywhere else, it would likely be yet another minimization of my feelings. Like at school, whenever I complained about the bullying and abuse… Told I needed to get a thicker skin, told that ‘boys will be boys’ and to ‘lighten up’ or that I was too sensitive.

Nox closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine, patiently waiting me out. I licked my suddenly dry lips and made my confession, “I feel guilty,” I whispered.

“For what?” his voice gentle.

“I… I don’t want kids,” I said.

“We talked about this, Babes. I’m okay with that.”

“I know, I know, but I feel guilty because I don’t want kids because… because…”

“Because why?” he asked when I was silent too long.

“Because I want to have a life of my own,” I whimpered, sniffling, my eyes welling up with tears. “I know that sounds incredibly selfish, and I love Sage, I really do, but it’sharderthan I expected, you know? I feel like I am missing out on so much and I know it isn’t fair to think like that –”

“Shh,” he slipped his hands out from the back of my shirt and brought them to cup my cheeks, smoothing the moisture out from under my eyes with his thumbs. “It’s totally okay to think like that, Angel. You’re human, and in the grand scheme of things, you’ve been dealt a seriously shitty hand. You’ve been cheated, and you’re making the best of it, Baby. You’re allowed to have all of these feelings and more about it and that doesn’t make youselfish.If anyone is selfish, I’ll tell you who is; it’s these fuckingpeoplewho expect you to do all of the things and don’t even bother to check in with you to make sureyou’redoing okay.”

He pulled me tight against his chest and rested his chin on top of my head. I sniffed and cuddled in closer, taking the comfort he was offering even as he sighed and said, “I should have seen this coming.Ishould have asked, but I figured you were doing okay with it, you know? That we’ve been in it together. I forget how good you are at hiding feelings that might make other people upset.”

I jerked back and looked at him, “Why would you say that?”

His shoulders dropped and he smiled sadly, “Been around the block more than a few times, Angel. Had enough state shrinks and been around enough ‘troubled youth’ councilors to know what’s what. How long your ex-boy-toy been fucking with you? How long was your dad sick? It all amounts to the same thing, ‘cept worse because you’re a woman.”

“Worse? Why worse?” I asked, suspicious that I already knew the answer, yet still surprised he would give it voice.

“Shit, Angel, look at the world today… As a girl, you get pissed off and all dudes do is go right to ‘oh, what’re you on the rag or something?’ Never mind if you have a valid reason tobepissed off. Look at you, your dad sick… how many times did Sage irritate you or piss you off and you just let it slide, stuffed it down, so you wouldn’t upset your pops?” he asked.

I felt my body relax as I listened to him and smiled a bit wryly, “A feminist biker, isn’t that an oxymoron or something?” I asked.

“It’s just common fucking sense, Angel. Ain’t nothin’ special about it, plus you think I give a fuck about whatever stereotypes citizens put on me?”

I laughed a little, and shook my head, “No.”

“Listen,” he took me gently by the shoulders and pushed me back just enough to make eye contact with me. “Don’t youevertry to validate your feelings with me, you get me? You feel something, you feel it. You don’t have to justify it. It’s fucked up, and a citizen thing and you don’t have to be a part of that world if you don’t want to. Our world is right here, waiting for you with open arms if you want it.”

“Are you asking me to marry you or something?” I asked incredulous because this was starting to sound bizarrely like a proposal of some kind.

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