Page 84 of Between Brothers

Chapter 37

Blue

“You took them down…”

I was surprised at how much it hurt to see it, all these bits of empty fishing line hanging down above us as we lay on the bed in her loft. We were just talking. I wasn’t about to press my luck, no matter how much I wanted the feel of her soft skin against mine.

She rolled her head along her pillow and looked at me startled, “Don’t you remember?”

I shook my head and thought hard, finally having to admit defeat. I looked at her and she searched my face, deciding I wasn’t lying, took pity on me.

“At Cell’s wake, you told me that you folded them, but the words were his…”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

I swallowed hard and said, “They were good words.”

“Yeah. I wish I’d known about them.”

“I don’t remember saying that… maybe it was because you needed to know then?” I said hopeful. Hell, I’d grasp at anything to make her feel even a little bit better.

“Maybe…”

She sounded so solemn another piece of my heart broke off and fell away. I sniffed and said, “I’m so fucking lost without him. He was always in control, the man with the plan, and I was good with that. I think I needed it, you know?”

She was quiet for a time and said, “Maybe it’s time to come up with some plans of your own.”

I threaded my fingers through hers where our hands lay between us and absently brought her hand to my lips, brushing a kiss along the back. She inhaled sharply and while I was glad she was still attracted to me, the conflict I heard in that sound told me just how far I had to crawl to earn back any of her favor.

I’d crawl a thousand miles through broken glass if it made a difference.

“I don’t know that I want a ‘me’ without you if I can help it,” I said honestly and she stayed silent. I closed my eyes and let out a frustrated breath. “That didn’t come out right. That wasn’t supposed to be some creepy threat of suicide should we not work out. I just meant to say I didn’t want to make up plans for just me. I’d rather we make plans together, for us.”

More silence, then a soft rush of her breath and, “What do you think those plans would have been if Cell were still here?”

“I honestly don’t know…” and I didn’t.

“What would you have wanted?”

I swallowed hard and told her the absolute truth, “I would have wanted to move the hell out of the club, for one. I would have loved to have gotten a house for the three of us. Made a home, whatever the fuck that would have looked like… Cell wasn’t exactly the domestic type, you know?”

“That’s putting it mildly,” she said with a slightly bitter laugh.

“What about you?” I asked.

“What about me?”

“What did you dream your life would be like?”

“I always dreamt I would meet a man and fall in love. That he would love me back, fiercely and patiently. I always dreamt we would get married, maybe travel… and that when the time was right, maybe have kids. It wasn’t a deal breaker, though.”

“Travel, huh?”

“Mm, yeah. No place exotic, mind you. Just around… maybe New England, maybe Florida. Maybe even the west coast, just somewhere different from here.”

“Sounds nice.”

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