Page 48 of Stoker's Serenity

I pursed my lips and nodded at first, but finally shook my head.

“Augh!” The sound she made was so frustrated and I knew the feeling. “You make me so damn mad sometimes,” she said. “You let these creeps live rent-free in your head, let them ruin things that they couldn’t even touch without your permission first, and you give it to them.”

I stared at her, open mouthed.

“I –” I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, Ren.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s how I feel. You are so bright, so smart, so caring and funny and it is just tragic as hell that all of that is so wasted because you live in fear all the time that, what? Someone is going to have something to say about it?”

I couldn’t look at her. I felt as if my happy, the good time I’d been having was being sucked down the proverbial tubes.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” she said, and looked, I don’t know, scared?

“Like what?” I croaked.

“Like I just crushed you.”

“Um, well.” I gave a nervous laugh.

“Shit.”

“You kind of just did,” I said, and my eyes started to well.

“No, no, no, Ren I didn’t mean it that way!”

“No, oh, I know you didn’t but you know me… I, um, I think I just need to process.”

She looked crestfallen, and I knew that feeling all too well right now.

“You want me to go?” she asked, meekly.

I nodded, not trusting my voice quite yet. I mean, not anymore.

“Ren, please –”

“I can’t, Linny. Too much right now. It’s just too much.”

“Shit.” She closed her eyes and her shoulders fell.

I needed her gone, I needed her to leave, I needed to be alone, to think, to process…

“Fine, um, okay,” she said. “Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I said, following it up immediately with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I’d become so miserable to be around.”

“It’s not like that at all!” she cried.

“Please…” I stared at her and she stopped, getting teary-eyed.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” she cried. “I’ve seen you completely cut people off for less than what I just said.”

“Yeah, but they aren’t you,” I said. I hugged her, trying to figure out how to reassure her and get her out the door so I could feel the feelings that had the dam I kept inside bursting at the seams.

“Don’t send me out there,” she said and sniffed.

“I’m afraid to deal with anything right now,” I said, my own tears coursing down my cheeks.

“I know, but I’m drunk, and I think you are too, and I don’t want this to be the end of us or ruin us.”

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