Page 13 of Marlin's Faith

“Shhhh, you’re okay, Baby. We get it. Your sister gets it, right Hope?” he whispered.

“Right,” she affirmed.

“The Captain gets it.”

“I surely do,” Cutter agreed kindly.

“I get it,” Marlin’s voice pitched low, just for me, and he said, “Fuck everyone else in here, Baby. You’ve been through hell and none of these motherfuckers know what that looks like. You survived. It’s all good. You aren’t embarrassing us. There ain’t nothing humiliating about this. For you, for me, for the Captain or your sister. You just take your time. Anyone has anything they want to say about it then they can come talk to me.”

He straightened, the comfort of his close presence receding like the water from the shore down the beach outside the bedroom window where I’d been staying. I pushed back from my sister, sniffed and wiped at my eyes. Hope gave me a smile and I gave a tentative one back.

“She’s going to need jeans at the very least if she’s getting on the back of one of the bikes, which if Marlin’s taking her out to that doc tomorrow, is a pretty likely scenario.” Cutter pointed out. I stared a little wide eyed at my sister who smiled even bigger.

“Good point. I think you’ll like riding, Bubbles. Let’s go find you some suitable bike wear.”

We went from the boutique to another little shopping center and finally ended up at the local motorcycle shop. I felt better with my sister walking in front of me and Cutter and Marlin at my sides and just behind me. Insulated and protected. Still, by the end of the shopping excursion I was exhausted, sliding gratefully into the back seat of Nothing’s tired station wagon. Marlin got behind the wheel. Cutter rode up front while Hope sat in back with me.

“Home, James,” Cutter said and Marlin called him a dirty name. I half expected Cutter to be angry but he just laughed and settled back further into his seat.

I stared out the window and felt bitterness for a time, looking at all the shiny, happy, and carefree people flitting by the window as we passed. I took the time to wallow in my own self-pity. Staring sightlessly yet seeing it all as it went by. Women smiling, men laughing, children playing in the sand on the beach… none of them having a single clue as to what went on in dark corners. In swanky and shady hotel rooms alike. In ‘private’ parties for the rich and famous. Of the tears and the hopeless nights that reeked of desperation and sex.

“Hey, you’re okay. Look at me.” I blinked and realized my face was wet. Marlin was crouched outside my car door, hands on his knees, sky blue eyes focused on mine. His dark blond hair crackled around his face like a mane, and the set of his mouth and the taught lines of his shoulders spoke of both power and determination. Looking at him, looming so close, in my personal space, I felt nothing other than utterly safe.

The tension in my own shoulders eased and he nodded as if something were confirmed for him, “Maybe a bit too much for today, huh Baby Girl?” he asked quietly and I sniffed and nodded.

“Okay, come on,” he stepped back from me and let me get out on my own. Hope stood a little behind and off to one side, Cutter’s hands on her shoulder’s kneading the muscles there.

“You okay, Bubbles?” she asked and I could see in her dark eyes that she knew as well as anyone that it wasn’t. She just didn’t know what else to ask… what else to say. Neither did I… so I just went with the old standby.

“I’m okay,” I lied, “Just tired, I think.” Which was true, now that I thought about it. I felt, completely drained from the small outing. Like I could sleep for a week now, and that was all I wanted to do. I just wanted to go upstairs and sleep. Crawl into bed and lie in an exhausted heap and never come out again.

“Come on, we’ll get this stuff put away and you can take a nap. Sound good?” Marlin’s voice was patient and kind but all I could see was how much I was hurting my sister. How much Hope felt like shit, and honestly, my mood spiraled ever downward. I suddenly wanted to fall asleep and simply never wake up. I was miserable.

My sister led me to the house and up the stairs to the big bedroom at the top and down the hall, with its beautiful floor to ceiling windows and view of the ocean. I couldn’t bear any of it. My emotions kaleidoscoped within me. Roiling and crashing into one another only to explode in a giant confused mess. It made me just want to curl up and cry. My heart raced, my throat squeezed tight, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I sat on the end of the large bed and Hope stood silently for a moment, looking me over.

“Bubbles, what’s wrong?” she asked softly and knelt at my feet. Marlin and Cutter, they set bags with our purchases on the creamy carpet just inside the bedroom door and backed out slowly to go get more. My sister had gone a little overboard and I’d let her; I think it was honestly more for her than for me. Hope had always been a total control freak and all of this was so far outside her control. Mine too.

“Faith…” she said a little helplessly. I shook my head a little violently and scrubbed my face with my hands.

“I don’t know,” I said helplessly, “It’s like I am feeling everything and nothing at once and yet, at the same time, I’m so horribly numb on the inside. I just feel so tired but I haven’t done anything. I shouldn’tbetired.”

Hope stood and turned, flopping into a seat beside me and wrapping her long, slim arms around me. I rested my head against her narrow shoulder and burst into tears, letting my hair hide my face from the room. Hope shushed me, making calm soothing noises like she used to do when Char and I were kids and had scraped a knee and somehow, somehow that helped.

“You should too be tired, everything you’re telling me is perfectly normal for someone dealing with anxiety and PTSD. I’ve got it myself.”

“I thought only soldiers could get that.” I moaned piteously.

“That’s a myth, Firefly. Anybody that’s been through some heavy shit can come up with post-traumatic stress disorder. Shit, some people get it from bein’ in a car accident.” Cutter stood to one side of the doorway, arms crossed loosely over his chest and raised his shoulders in a shrug that was strangely one I would describe as being… elegant.

“Did you hear him, Baby Girl? Anybody who’s been through something sudden or shocking can come up with it. What’s happened to you – “

Marlin paused abruptly, a muscle in his jaw ticking in agitation under his golden scruff of a beard coming in around his goatee. He took a deep breath, “What you been through? It surely qualifies to give you a boatload of serious issues. Issues you may not even be aware you’ve got until something happens and you have a rough reaction. You’re good. We’ve got you. You agreeing to go see that doctor lady is one of the biggest hurdles in getting you better.” He stood in front of me, hands loose at his sides as if he were afraid to touch me and I closed my eyes. Of course he was.I was dirty, cheap… a diseased whore. There was barely anything human left.

“You’re a brave girl, Firefly. And you ain’t doin’ none of this alone. You got your sisters, you got Marlin here, and you got me. By default you got any number of our guys behind you too. One step, one day, at a time. No need to get yourself overwhelmed.” Cutter’s voice interrupted the self-loathing inner monologue and I opened my eyes. I suddenly felt sick. Nauseated by the thought of what a burden I’d become to these people.

The weight of the world seemingly rested on my shoulders and I just wanted to lie down. I just wanted to be alone but at the same time, I didn’t want them to leave me. I couldn’t have it both ways though.

“I really,” I paused and tried to make up my mind on what is was I wanted and finally settled on the least selfish, “I really just want to lie down, be alone for a little while.”

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