Page 26 of Marlin's Faith

14

Faith…

I walked away. I felt so many things, but ultimately all I could do was walk away. My physical voice stolen from me by the one inside my head.Of course he wouldn’t want you. Junkie whore! Who in their right mind would want you after that? He’s just being nice to you out of guilt.

I was crushed under a mountain of self-derision and admittedly, a few broken hopes and maybe a shattered dream or two. I slipped up the stairs wraith-like and dejected heading straight to the bedroom I’d been staying in to sit on the bed.

What were you thinking!?I screamed silently at myself, locking it down, hiding it away, stuffing my hand in my mouth and doubling over as the tears rushed hot and fierce.How could you have been so stupid?

Helpless anger raged through me, and slipped through my fingers like rain. How could they have done this to me? How was I ever going to get past this? I breathed in deeply through my nose and held my breath before letting it out slowly, repeating the process over and over until I felt calmer and almost on the verge of sleep before rising to my feet.

I was soembarrassed, but there wasn’t anyone I could talk to. Hope would just berate me for sure, make it my fault. Just like she had with everything else; school, boys, the trouble I’d gotten in all through school…but all of thatwasyour fault.

It was true. As much as I had always hated to admit it, it was all true, it was always true; it wasall my fault.

I touched the leather and metal band around my wrist and swallowed hard, remembering the little ray of light in my otherwise darkened world.

“You deserve so much better than this, Star, and I am so sorry. I didn’t know, I didn’t know. Please, forgive me?”

It’d never happened, not once before, not a single time… Not once. The sincerity in his eyes, the anguish in his voice, it made everything so real, shocked me out of my high long enough to hold onto the stolen moment with both hands. He’d taken off his leather wrist cuff and had pressed it into my physical fingers.

I believed him when he’d told me he’d get me out; then the cops came. It had to be him; he couldn’t have known that they wouldn’t believeme. He’d tried and that was what mattered, because I knew what it felt like to try and fail over and over again.

I went to the window and spotted Marlin sitting on the edge of the short wall lining the back patio. He was smoking, head bowed, hair falling loose in front of his face from the short tail he’d tried to tame it into. He looked pensive, and I couldn’t help but sigh, my face flaming in further embarrassment.

He was gorgeous, and strong, and all of the things that I was not. I looked at my reflection in the glass and felt my heart drop. I was too thin; my bones standing out against my skin, stark and prominent and the haunted expression never seemed to leave my face. I refocused on Marlin and he looked up, squinting into the bright sunlight. I stepped back quickly, unwilling to meet his gaze.

Instead, I set about picking through the bags of forgotten clothes, putting them away. At one point I looked back to the bedside table and the little pink music player sitting there, charging. I guess it didn’t really mean anything after all. Something to keep me quiet, make things easier, the fact it made things easier formewas just a bonus, right?

I sank to sit cross legged on the floor and sniffed, scrubbing my face with my hands. I felt like there was a firestorm of bitter and unfair emotions swirling inside my heart and head. It was hard to breathe, like so much broken glass, shards of memory and the catastrophe that was my life flying in a cyclone, shredding me from the inside out until I lay huddled on the floor, weeping silently but uncontrollably.

God, was this going to be me for the rest of my life?

“Faith? Faith, Honey?” The door swung open and Hope sighed, lowering herself in a crouch beside me. I sobbed harder and my sister sighed. She didn’t say anything, instead she lay down behind me and pulled me back into her arms, her cast dug into my stomach but I didn’t care. Instead, I cave into the despair and cried the broken and sour parts of me out onto the bedroom floor until I felt purged. Hollow and empty, I let my big sister cuddle me like our mom used to do to us when we were little, until the sun sank low behind the horizon.

“This about Marlin?” she asked some time later as we sat on the bed and ate ice cream. Cutter had brought it upstairs, handed it over to my sister wordlessly and with a wink and a little salute had closed the door behind us. The cold, creamy, confection felt good against my raw throat and it was mint chocolate chip, my favorite.

“It was stupid,Iwas stupid.” I bit my lips together.

“No, it wasn’t,” Hope sighed and set her bowl aside. “He makes you feel safe, doesn’t he?” she asked. I nodded wordlessly.

“Okay, Bubbles. We don’t have to talk about it,” she said with a sigh.

“I’m so embarrassed,” I moaned.

“It’s not the end of the world, I know it feels that way, but it’s really not, I promise.”

I snorted, “Why couldn’t you have been like this when I was fourteen?” I asked.

“Like what?”

“Understanding.”

Hope’s expression changed and she looked out the window and sighed.

“Because I was stupid, and being unfair. I was still a kid myself when I started taking care of you guys, and let’s face it, I suck as a parent.”

I laughed a little and Hope laughed too.

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