Page 27 of Marlin's Faith

“I didn’t want you to be my parent,momwas the parent and she died… I needed my sister.” I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling and Hope sighed out defeated. She took my ice cream out of my hands and set it aside with hers and pulled me into a hug.

“I know, Bubs. I’m so sorry. I was hurting too and I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I thought was right. It turned out to be all wrong, didn’t it?”

I held tighter to my sister Hope, who had always seemed like a woman on a mission, a woman with a plan and now; now it was like she hadn’t had one at all.

“I’m sorry,” I warbled, suddenly soul crushingly guilty for having been such a pain in her fucking ass all this time.

“You were just being a kid, Faith. There’s nothing to be sorry about, if anybody it should be me who’s sorry for setting you up for failure. I pushed so hard, made it so you didn’t want to talk to me.”

It was true, “But that doesn’t mean I had to stop talking, that was my fault…” we dissolved into a puddle of mutual goo in the middle of the big bed.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“The only thing we can, Bubs. We’re going to keep going. Pick up the pieces, fit ‘em together and move on. It’s the only thing we can do, right?”

I nodded mutely. I wanted so desperately to prove myself to Hope, once and for all. That I could do this, that I could survive and still make something, anything, out of my life… I had to. Not just for my older sister, but for Charity, my younger sister, too.

I must have been babbling because Hope, smoothed a hand over my hair, “Forget me; forget Char, too. Do it foryou,Baby. Do it foryou.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t worth it… I wasn’t worth any of it, and right then, not for the first time, I just wanted to die. I just wanted to give up and die.God, why didn’t you just let me die?

15

Marlin…

“Glad you called,” Cutter grunted and dropped down onto his couch. I didn’t bother moving my head from the back of the loveseat, just rolled my eyes in his direction.

“Yeah, well, I figure I’m thelastmotherfucker she wants to see right now.” I sighed out and pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.

“Probably, but you did the right thing, Brother.”

I huffed a busted ass laugh full of disgust, mostly for myself. It didn’t feel good, being in this position, but when I’d heard her muffled sobbing on the other side of the door, I realized my rejection had hit her hard, where it’d counted and I knew for sure I was the last person to handle that kind of shit. I’d called the Captain, and by default, the big guns – his woman.

“I wouldn’t worry about it, Man.” I listened to the scrape of denim and leather as he leaned forward. I pulled my hands away from my eyes and looked at him. He searched my face and sighed out harshly and bowed his head, bouncing it in a sloppy nod as if I’d confirmed something for him.

“She hit you right in the feels, didn’t she?” he asked.

I didn’t bother to deny it, but I didn’t go out of my way to confirm it either. I felt my lips thin down into something like grim resignation. Finally, I broke and said, “I’d be a fuckin’ liar if I said it weren’t true.”

“It always gets you when you least expect it. So, what’re you planning on doing about it?”

“I think I already proved I ain’t doing nothin’. “

“Not now, you ain’t, and a good thing too, but what about later down the line?”

“I’m gonna watch her, protect her, and when she’s ready, she’ll come back around. She’ll get it figured out. I just hope that doctor is gonna help her.”

“Yeah, about that doctor, I think she was a good bet. She wants to see Faith twice a week to start. You still gonna take her out there?”

“Fuck yeah, you just see what happens if anybody tried to stop me. I swore I’d give her a ride and I meant it.”

Cutter eyed me speculatively and finally nodded, and I knew my Captain would have my back on this, and probably would smooth the way with her sister. I had a feeling when Hope got down here that I was gonna end up public enemy number one, but I knew I’d done the right thing by Faith. Even if it’d sucked doing it.

Cutter sighed, “I expect some of the guys’ll give you hell for this,” he said nonchalantly.

“Yeah, like to see it. I’ll break some fucking heads.”

Cutter chuckled and we lapsed into silence. I felt agitated. I itched to go up and try and do something, but I knew it was a bad idea.

---