Page 75 of Cutter's Hope

We resumed our sedate pace back towards the marina and I held my breath for a moment, “Yeah, what’s that?” I finally asked after a long exhale.

“You’re drowning on the inside and for whatever reason, I think you were letting Cutter in and Ireally, reallydon’t want to see that dude shut down or shut out because of me or my Doll. It’d crush her and she doesn’t need or deserve any more hurt. She didn’t know about you when we got here. She feels bad, I hate seeing her hurt.”

I stopped him, “Were you going to actually get around to asking me something anytime soon?” I asked wearily and yeah I know I sounded like a bitch.

“Don’t shut him down or shut him out just yet, please?” he asked and I looked up at him. His face was somber and I thought about it…

“Ever hear the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ line?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he smirked wryly.

“Yeah. That.” I trudged along wordlessly beside him for a minute or so before he broke the silence.

“I come from a screwed up background. So do a lot of the dudes that land in this life, typically they’re looking for a place to belong when no one else will accept them…” he cleared his throat, “Cutter, his crew… I don’t know what you did, but they accept you. Cutter put out the call that you were missing and I was there, not a one of his guys argued. Every one of them dropped what they were doing to go out and go look. From the sounds of it a couple of them got in Cutters ass about it too. Wanted to know what he’d done to fuck up.”

“Nothing,” I said, and it was true, “He didn’t do anything.”

No it was all me. Screwed up, isolated, stubborn and set in my ways looking for the slightest flaw. It’s what I did. Look hard enough, look long enough you find a loose thread. Pull it and the whole pretty lie unravels. Except when you’re me, you do more than just look. When I can’t find a loose thread, I end up making one.

“He’s not going to give up on you that easy you know,” Reaver said and again with that grin. I sniffed and looked at him.

“Eventually, I’ll make him,” I said and shrugged a little hopelessly, “It’s what I’ve always done. It’s what I do.” It was how I saved myself from letting them break my heart. I did the breaking first.

Reaver turned and stood in front of me, blocking my path. He looked down at me and gripping my shoulders lightly gave me a little shake, “So if you know that, why don’t you knock it off? You’re the only one who can.”

I blinked up at him stupidly. I mean he was right… but, I gave a little shrug and he let his hands drop. We were at the marina and I looked out over the boats gently bobbing and swaying in their berths.

“I don’t mean to be a pain the ass, I just don’t know any other way to be,” which was both honest and true. The first of many waves of humiliation washed over me.

“Hmm, why is that?” he asked.

“You tell me, Dr. Phil,” I uttered and yeah my resting bitch face was back but I think that had more to do with the fact I was sobering up and was feeling pretty fucking embarrassed about my craptastic behavior of today than it had to do with anything else. So of course what do you do when you’re embarrassed by your shitty behavior but are a prideful bitch like me? Why make it worse of course.

Goddamn it I was a mess.

I struck out across the parking lot towards Cutter’s berth, Reaver shadowing me silently, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. I didn’t want to do this in front of them. Either of them, meaning Reaver and his wife. There was nothing for it though. Not like they were going away. I steeled myself and stepped onto the wharf following it down to Cutter’s dock. He was at the small grill on the stern of his boat. She was setting places at his small deck table.

I climbed aboard and stopped, uncomfortable with only myself to blame. He set aside his spatula and she stopped, plate between her hands and peered at me from behind him. I suddenly felt just so damned tired. Like all I wanted to do was crawl into a bed somewhere and sleep for a thousand years.

Cutter closed the distance between us and cradled my face between his hands and the gesture was so sweet, coupled with the concern and yes, maybe even fear radiating out of his warm brown eyes, I felt so incredibly guilty…

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled and the smile he graced me with was so perfect, sad but perfect. He pulled me into the circle of his arms and the cracks in my veneer finally became too much. I closed my eyes, took shelter in his arms and let myself cry.

36

Cutter…

She folded against my chest, into my arms, like she was meant to be there and she was. I held her tightly, fingers sliding against her slick, shiny hair, so warm, and alive as I tucked her head beneath my chin and just stood there, letting her let it out. She clung to me and cried and I think it was the first time she’d reallyweptin a long time.

Reaver, motioned for Li’l Bit to join him and she slipped past us, giving me a sympathetic look as she joined her man, who took her below deck. They were giving us privacy. I could appreciate that and I’m sure, if she were more with it, Hope would too.

I kissed her head and huffed out a sigh. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to put it all back together for her, see her happy, I mean for fuck’s sakes the woman busted her ass for those two girls, to support them, to love them, to provide for them and when it came down to it, to find one of them and I was starting to realize, she’d been doing this for so long, by herself with no one there beside her… God. It was amazing she was still standing at all.

“Shh, I’ve got you Sweetheart,” I murmured in my best attempt to be soothing. I’d never been awesome at being the supportive type in these kinds of situations and as shitty as it sounds, I couldn’t stop the wave of relief from overtaking me when the crying jag she’d gone on was blessedly short lived.

Her tears dried up but she hadn’t moved or pulled away yet and I was real grateful for that. I loved the feel of her in my arms, tucked close. I inhaled her flowery sweet fragrance, somewhat hampered by the smell of alcohol coming off of her, but intoxicating its own right anyways. She tugged back from me gently and I led her to one of the seats near the grill. She sank into it and I saved dinner from burning.

That done, I turned and knelt at her feet, placing my hands on her knees. We were eye to eye this way or just about. I searched her sad and sullen face and smoothed some of her long, dark locks behind her ear.

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