Page 56 of Bourbon & Blood

He was silent, and I leaned my head back. I let myself be vulnerable for a moment, knowing that it was likely to hurt me, because it always had…

“It scares me not knowing,” I said gently.

“I—”

He stopped and his voice when it came again was just as raw and honest as I’d ever heard it. “I’m afraid it’d scare you more knowing,” he said. “I’m something to be feared, my little Alina, something to be feared always. But I don’t wantyouto fear me.”

“That might take more time,” I said gently, genuinely wishing not to hurt his feelings after he’d shown me such kindness tonight. He kissed my shoulder.

“I know,” he said. “And I can be a patient man.”

“I believe you,” I told him because I think I could. I mean, how long had he waited? How long had he bided his time before he could trap me? I shuddered, and he held me close, shutting off the tap with his foot now that the water was high enough.

I sighed out and tried my best to get my anxiety to settle and my guilt to calm. The anxiety for all the aforementioned reasons… my guilt because Maya was still missing, even if La Croix’s club was looking for her. I had to ask myself,should I really be enjoying myself in this beautiful bathroom?Soaking in this beautiful tub after the best sex of my life and feeling this good, all while my best friend was still missing?

God, everything was happening at the speed of light, everything spiraling so far out of my control, spinning outso hard,and my life turning upside down and inside out. So much so and so fast, that I didn’t know what to do, or what I should be doing differently. But what I did know is that no matter what I did? At this point, I felt wrong for doing it. Something that Maya would surely laugh at, roll her eyes, and with a shrug ask me why.

Why?She was always and forever making me face the absurdity of some of my feelings which had been ingrained and conditioned in me since childhood – especially feelings of guilt and shame. Feelings of inadequacy borne of too much time spent trying to reach unattainable sets of rules and moral principals no one could honestly be expected to reach.

Thanks, Grandma,I thought bitterly to myself.

“Don’t,” he said, and I sniffed and looked up into his stoic tattooed eyes.

“Don’t what?” I asked softly, and he reached up, unlacing his fingers from mine and thumbed a tear out from under my eye.

“Don’t cry,” he said. “You’re safe here, even though it might not feel like it. As for your friend? My boys are working on it as we speak. Some of the smartest men there are, are on it like a dog with a bone. We’ll find something. I always follow through on my end of the deal.”

“Somehow, I get that about you,” I said softly, and he rested his chin on top of my head.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“What else you know?” he asked.

“Not much beyond that, but I suppose I’ll be learning. I’ll hold up my end of the bargain too. I just need to figure out what that looks like.”

“For now, your life ain’t changed much,” he said, and I perked up a bit. “You go to work, you come home. I’ll see you when you got time off, come to your place some days when you’re off work but gotta work the next, bring you for a ride or out here when you ain’t.”

I relaxed some and nodded. “Thank you,” I murmured.

“For what?” he asked.

“For not rushing things,” I said. “Well, for not rushing things,much,” I immediately amended.

He chuckled, the bass rumble through his chest vibrating my spine in a way that made me smile in reflex.

“I take care of what’s mine, cher. Never forget it.”

“I’ll try not to,” I promised and closed my eyes and sighed.

It was early as far as my nights went, but I was tired, sated physically, but just mentally and emotionally exhausted.

“You just rest now,” he said, and I turned my head and nodded.

“Okay.”

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

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