Page 100 of Moonshine Lullabies

“What happened?” I demanded. “Is he really gone?”

My dad passed my mom off to my brother and came over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and I dropped back into my seat and giving it a squeeze, he said, “He’s really gone, baby girl. I shot him.”

I stared at my dad, my eyes wide, and only by the grace ofsomehigher power did I manage not to laugh as my vision blurred with tears.

Right on the heels of the near-miss inappropriate reaction due to the sheerreliefI felt did the horror come rushing in about what my daddy’d just said.

“What?” I asked and my voice had this strange hollow quality.

“I killed him, baby girl,” he said, and he pulled me into a hug as I started to sob. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry,” He gripped me hard and started to cry too.

I had never, not once, my whole twenty-nine years on earth,everseen my daddy cry. Not aboutnothin’.

I hugged my dad, and we cried together, and I knew… I just knew deep on down in the pit of my gut, neither one of us was cryin’ over ol’ Ham Bone.

Collier’s hand touched my back, and he rubbed it in useless but comforting circles as my family crumbled and fell apart, all of us for different reasons.

I looked to John-Paul who hugged our mother, and even he’d worked up tears from somewhere. I looked to Tate, my son, who cried because he was a sensitive soul, and my heart broke a little for his pain.

Collier kneeled with me and my dad and murmured sweet platitudes while this poor cop just sat uncomfortably while we all carried on, staring into his coffee cup.

Welcome to the shitshow…I thought at him, and it was honestly all I could muster right then, because,what the fuck?

* * *

It was declared a hunting accident.I’d sat with my daddy while he’d told his story. About how he’d shot at a buck, and how Ham Bone in his excitement had stood right up as he’d taken a second shot and the horrifying accident it all was.

The police officer relayed, after taking all their statements again, that everything about the scene matched the boys’ story, and that it was likely going to be ruled an accident and not to worry – that someone was over at all Ham Bone’s with Arlene, his new widow.

I’d excused myself then and had gone out to the back porch for some air.

I put my hands on my knees and took in so many deep breaths trying not to get sick and damn it was hard not to throw up.

After a minute, Tate came out to check on me.

“You okay, Mom?”

“Yeah, buddy. I just… I just needed some air.”

“Can I get you anything?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Glass of ice water from the refrigerator, please?”

“Okay.” He moved so quickly to comply and help out, bless his heart.

I sat back down on the back porch swing and sighed, hanging my head between my knees.

The back slider opened, and I heard ice rattle in a glass.

“Thank you, baby,” I said and I looked up, my hand out to take the glass but it was Collier who handed it to me.

“Welcome, baby,” he said, and he cautiously asked. “Can I sit?”

I took the glass from him completely and I nodded. “Always,” I said.

He came around and sat next to me, threading his fingers between mine and squeezing my hand. I sipped the water and closed my eyes as it went down.

“You… you, uh, tell ‘em?” I asked and I opened my eyes.

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