Page 74 of Cognac Secrets

True was sitting on my bed, my rolling tray on her lap, fixing us up a joint. She looked up and sniffed, her face devoid of makeup and her eyes red-rimmed.

“Sorry,” she said dully. “I just – that wasa lot.”

I nodded tiredly and dropped to the edge of my mattress and box spring where they rested on the floor and nodded.

“I was gonna ask if you would roll us up a fat one, you read my mind.”

She half laughed, half sobbed and I didn’t say or do anything. I was drained. I just didn’t have a single spoon, mental, emotional, or physical left in my drawer.

“Why do you think it happened?” she asked after sealing off the hand rolled joint. She always was better than me at rolling them up. I didn’t smoke often. At all, really, except during the worst of my PMDD symptoms when the anxiety was running rampant and my brain gremlins were shouting the lies about how worthless I was. What a burden, and how awful, and how I should just fucking…

“I don’t know,” I told her, closing my eyes and sighing. “I don’t honestly know if I’ll ever know.”

“Does that mean you’re braking up with him?” my eyes snapped open at her hopeful tone and I watched her face fall as mine gave me away… per usual.

“No,” I said gently, knowing she was just hella worried about me. “No, it means that stuff is what Bennie calls ‘club business’ and as one of the girlfriends, club business is none ofourbusiness.”

“Shit, Sandy. You can’t be serious!” she said around the joint pressed between her lips as she sparked up my lighter to get it going. She took a small hit off it and immediately passed it to me.

I took amuchstronger one off it and held my breath, passing it back to her, coughing violently when the tickle in my throat and my lungs became too much for me.

I told you, I didn’t smoke but once a month or so, and only when things got bad… this certainly qualified as bad, and Ireallydidn’t want it to get worse by having a fight with my best friend.

“I know you’re worried about me,” I said to try and mitigate the damage of what was potentially going to come out of my mouth next… I paused, steeling myself against any potential coming backlash when I told her, “I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. Bennie…” I paused and she raised her eyebrows at me expectantly, holding out the joint for me to take another hit as she blew the fragrant green smelling smoke up toward the ceiling.

Gerard didn’t care. He’s where I got my weed. With how little I smoked he said to just open a window or something up here if I did. I took another hit and got up and did that, blowing it out into the yard this time and coming back to sit beside my bestie.

“You can’t deny it, True. Bennie isdifferentfrom anyone I’ve ever met…”

I looked at her, pleading in my eyes and I didn’t care. I didn’t want this to be the deal breaker for our friendship.

“Louie was different, too,” she said softly. “I know what you mean… but now he’s dead and I’ll never get to know, you know?” She sniffed and set the joint in the ashtray corner of my rolling tray and I went to her and hugged her tight.

“He asked, you know,” I told her. “He really was different, too. He really wanted to get to know you and didn’t really seem phased.”

“I’m just so scared something is going to happen to you too, now,” she said and I held her tight.

“If it does, I’ll fight like hell. I can’t leave you to your own devices you diva bitch. You and Gerard would turn my funeral into a drag show and parade.” She laughed a little brokenly and I added, “Come to think of it – I totally want that. Make it fabulous.”

She laughed again and said, “You twistedbitch,” and I smiled over her shoulder tears springing to my own eyes.

“Fake it til you make it,” I told her and she whimpered and said, “I don’t think I can fake it any more tonight.”

“Me either,” I said. “I’m just so scared you’re gonna be mad at me for not ditching Bennie like a bad habit when he’s been nothing but so wonderful to me. I don’t want to fight or lose my best friend.”

“Oh, God,” she hugged me so tight I felt bones grind together and my whole body creak, like ribs were threatening to snap. “You’re stuck with me, bitch. Forever and ever.”

“Okay, Uncle!” I cried strained and she let out an exclamation of “Oh!” and eased up on me.

“Sorry, I went boy mode on the strength of that, I think.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “All good,” catching my breath that she’d squeezed out of me. “I love you, too.”

“Just…” she sighed. “Just don’t be mad at me if I can never hang out with them or there again,” she said.

“Hell,” I told her honestly… “I don’t know that I could do it either.” I sighed. “I’m so fucking sad for you.”

“I’m just sad for Louie,” she said softly and looked away.

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