Page 89 of Cognac Secrets

God, those were the days.

The only thing that scared me or bothered me was when the guys were broody and moody… furtive and not telling any of us women what was going on or what they were up to. It caused me so much anxiety, but then, that was when theotherwomen in the club stepped in and filled me in.

We all knew a lot more than the boys thought we did and all it took was a minimal comparison of notes to figure out what was what and all of it wasn’t always good. Necessary, but certainly not good.

I kept True in the dark on purpose. She would have really freaked out… but me?

I’d spent enough time on the streets and around a bad element after escaping my lunatic cult growing up to get a crash course that street justice was often times quicker and more reliable than any regular justice or authority and I certainly trusted street justice a hell of a lot more than what Bennie called citizen justice.

Civilian or citizen justice was honestly a fucking joke.

Just look at my brothers, they were already out on bond – the church having raised it and haling them as heroes for trying to save their sister from the wicked and sinful ways of the devil down in New Orleans.

I’d practically begged Bennie that if they tried again, to just fucking shoot them – or me so I wouldn’t have to go back there.

Instead, he walked me through all the steps to get my carry permit and taught me gun safety, how to use one, and said “Now you can shoot ‘em yourself. Preferably in the balls if you can manage – that way if they do manage to live, they at least won’t be able to breed and make more fucked-up little crotch goblins the way they turned out.”

It’d made me laugh, but also, I seriously contemplated it.

We’d had an honest and true talk about things then.

Bennie had vowed to always protect me, but had said honestly that one of the things that he loved about me the most was that after all was said and done when it’d come to whack job family, that he appreciated that he could trust me to fight and to save myself if it came down to it. That he didn’t have to worry about me like he’d had to worry about Mia… and that… wow.

That said a lot. Like,a lot, a lot. I’d always sort of been low key worried about how I measured up to Bennie’s lost love in Mia, but something about that affirmation of my own capability laid those insecurities to rest for me. Like, it wasn’tquitejealousy of his dead previous girlfriend, as all jealousy was rooted in a fear of missing out or abandonment – but more of it was like this quiet fear that I could or would never measure up, even though Bennie was really good about not comparing us out loud, I always wondered if he did, you know? Silently in his thoughts…

His affirmation of my capability let to a long, deep, quiet discussion about my silent fears and we laid quite a bit to rest that night. Something that was precious to me and that I was eternally grateful for is that Icouldhave these discussions with Bennie, and that they weren’t as hard as they could be. Probably because I trusted him implicitly not to go off on me or lose his shit just for stating how I felt. He was ever patient with me, and kind, and super emotionally intelligent – andfuckwas that just another level to his overall attractiveness and sexy to me.

Gerard was surprisingly cool with Bennie being over, even despite his status as a member of the most feared biker club in the city. I couldn’t help myself but ask why, and Gerard had said, “Why honey, I do believe I of all people know a thing or two about what it is to bedifferentor an outcast. That and ain’t no motherfucker up in this neighborhood or any other gon’ fuck with my house with him comin’ and goin’ – mmmm, baby, no!” He’d snapped out his fan and had fanned himself some and sighed.

“You just gotta promise me you’ll still look out for Judy and Liza while I’m gone. I don’t trust anybody else with my precious babies.”

“Rude!” True had declared from the opposite end of the table and we’d had a good laugh… but things, they were a changing… namely that I suddenly saw a future where I wasn’t living in Gerard’s attic room like some feral little hippy boho gremlin anymore. Especially when Bennie started asking for so much of my input when it came to his house…

Things beyond furniture choices and stylings, or wall colors… things like flooring and kitchen cabinetry and countertops. Big things like bath or walk-in shower in the main bathroom, or as he put it ‘your bathroom’ figuring that the girl would need a bigger space or something to get ready in.

When he started looking at vanities for the bathroom, the kind with a triple mirror that you could sit at and do your hair and makeup, I didn’t think he was hinting at me moving in anymore – he was just acting as though it would eventually just be a given. I loved him for that. Felt wholly accepted and like I finally, well, and trulybelongedsomewhere… for the first time in, well,since ever.

We were in his bed making love, when he faltered mid-stroke as one of his phones started ringing.

“Yeah?” he answered, winded, our bodies still pressed together.

“What’re you fuckin’?” I heard over the line and it could only be one voice, LaCroix’s.

“Yeah,” Bennie answered blatantly, “What’s up.”

“Time to move,” I heard faintly and Bennies eyes searched mine.

“I was so close, too,” I said with a half-smile that I knew had to be full of regret, but thems the breaks when you were madly in love with someone in this life.

“Sorry, not sorry,” I heard LaCroix say then he ordered Bennie, “Get me off speaker.”

Bennie kissed me quick and backed off and out of me, getting to his feet and going for the bathroom saying, “You’re not on speaker, we were just that close.”

He shut himself into the bathroom and I heard the water start up in the sink and couldn’t hear anything after that but the faint low tone of his voice making the occasional response to LaCroix.

I sighed and pulled the blankets up over me, waiting for Bennie to come back out, get dressed, and leave.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried or stressed about it – but that was going to be life with Bennie sometimes, at least until whatever war they had going on with the Bayou Brethren was settled or there were no men left standing.

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