Page 58 of The Hangman's Rope

“I was telling your mom all about that night. How you broke your heel and insisted I go into the club while you went back to the hotel on your own to change your shoes. I feel so bad! I should have gone with you – don’t you remember?”

Really?I thought to myself, indignant.

“Oh, I remember…” I murmured.

She looked a little uncomfortable at that and shifted in her seat, taking up her coffee cup.

“Girls?” my mom asked, and the worry in her tone was palpable as she looked first from me where I stared a hole through Julie’s skull, willing her to come clean silently… but of course, she didn’t.

“Well, I’m glad we can put that all behind us,” she said awkwardly.

“Can we?” I asked. “I mean, I’m sure you can… you weren’t negatively affected at all.”

“Lorelai Mary Ellen Gantz!” my mother cried aghast.

“You weren’t drugged and gang raped, or left for dead. You were safe and sound inside the club dancing the night away – but fuck me, right?” I asked.

My mother gasped, and Julie stared at me, her eyes filling with tears.

“Don’t,” I said, sternly, my voice cracking. “I practically begged you to come back with me but all you could think about was yourself. How fuckingdare youcome in here and try to re-write history, hoping I just wouldn’t fucking remember thanks to those assholes little party favors! Youvapid cunt!” I cried.

“Lorelai!” my mother cried, aghast.

I shook my head.

“Get out,” I told her firmly and felt the tears spill down my face. I was barely restrained, my hands shaking so bad I could do naught but grip the arms of the wrought iron chair I sat in to try and curb their shaking.

I may never see justice from the men who did this to me, but I wouldn’t sit here and let my supposed friend get away with any more of her insipid bullshit.

“I said, get out!” I screamed; my voice shrill. Julie jumped and gathered up her purse. Sniffling, she strode for the garden gate, her heels clacking smarter than she would ever be along the path on her way out.

My mother stared at me aghast, and I looked at her.

“What?” I demanded sharply.

“I… I don’t even know who you are right now,” she said and her voice sounded wounded.

I scoffed and got up. Hurt beyond measure that my own mother would choose decorum at a time like this over the feelings of her shattered and traumatized daughter. High society be damned at a time like this.

I thrust myself to my feet and snapped at her, “I don’t know, either!” and let my tone drip with sarcasm and anger as I strode back into the house.

I went upstairs, feeling as though my heart would try to explode out of my chest, and changed back into the sleep set I’d worn the night before. It was a tank and pair of short shorts, similar to the ones I’d worn the night it’d all come back to me at Hangman’s apartment.

God, how I longed for that small, cozy space and his presence, his quiet and calm strength… God, how I missed him.

I closed my eyes, and put my hands over my mouth, trying to hold in the shards of agony that comprised my soul these days.

I cried, breathing in slow and sure deep breaths. Counting to try and diminish the rising panic, but I felt frenzied somehow. This torrent of emotions ripping through me. Anger, outrage, anguish… just everything. All at once. Swamping me completely.

I just wanted a hug, and a good cry, and I just couldn’t get the former…or could I?

I went to my top drawer and pulled the mail order bag out of it that I’d had yet to open. Tearing open the packaging, I spilled the coil of royal blue bamboo rope onto the covers of my bed.

It was soft to the touch as I picked it up. Much softer than I expected it to be, with an almost satiny quality to its twisted fibers.

I swallowed hard, and closed my eyes, remembering back to that morning after my epic meltdown. At how Hangman had stood me up after telling me I had to go home, that there was no more help for me there – that I neededmore.

I don’t think he was wrong, but here it was almost ten days back, and I felt like I was falling apart even worse and not getting any better. Like I was shaking so bad to my core it was only a matter of time until the pieces started flying off.

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