Page 44 of Iron Hearts

I couldn’t relate to that one, but I took a deep, considering, and yeah, somewhat cleansing breath and tackled it head-on.

“Listen. You can’t undo it. That’s the hard fucking truth. What you did back then ain’t but between you an’ God, homie - but you’re not pretending. You’re carrying that weight and still trying to do some good.That’swhat matters.”

“Yeah, I get that, but some days, it feels like I’m handling things. Other days, it feels like I’m dragging a ball and chain.”

“That’s to be expected, but bad days don’t last forever. It’s simple. On your bad days, you lean on your brothers. On their bad days, you hold them up. That’s how this works. You feel me? You’re not alone in any of this, and you can’t live like you are.”

He made a scoffing noise and said, “That shit’s not simple. Can’t have them thinking I’m not solid.”

“You think being vulnerable makes you less solid?” It was my turn to scoff. “No way, Nightmare. It makes youreal. A brother respects that a hell of a lot more than any front you try to put up. If they don’t, it just means they ain’t been there like we have. When that happens, it’s on us to make sure they don’t go through the same hell. And if they do? It’s our job to show them how to wade through this shit, just like you are now.”

“I guess so.” He sounded solemn but also like some of the weight had lifted, or at the very least, shifted into a more manageable way for him to heft it.

“Look, what you’re dealing with is part of the package. When it happens, you have to remind yourself why you’re still here. Why you fight. For me, it’s the brothers I’ve got now. The people I can still protect. If you look around, you’ll see you got that too.” I met Rarity’s eyes and wasn’t at all startled or surprised to realize I somehow meant her in that, too. Her blue eyes sparkled. Her face was solemn as she listened, but she remained respectfully quiet as though she wasn’t hearing a thing. I appreciated her for that, more than I could express.

“The thing is, it’s hard to focus when the past keeps dragging me down.” He sighed, and he sounded under load again. “It never lets go, and I’m constantly haunted by the images from that day.”

“You’ll never change the past,” I told him, and it was true. You couldn’t. “But you can honor it by how you live now. You’re already doing that every time you show up for your chapter,” I told him. “For some guys, the concept of having a battle buddy was so ingrained that when they got out, they sought out the structure and commitment they’d felt when they’d served. When they joined up with the Bastards or got involved in any other group thing, it was familiar enough to bring comfort but different enough that it was easy to forget that the club was their unit now. Their brothers, whichever one or ones they chose to lean on? They were your battle buddy now.”

“I try, but some nights... it just feels like it’s not enough.”

“On those nights, don’t try to carry it all. Write it down. Punch a bag. Hell, scream into the wind if you have to. But don’t bury it. That’ll only eat you alive.”

“Writing, huh? That’s your thing?”

“Yeah, sometimes,” I admitted. I mean, I kept a journal, but it wasn’t something I talked about with anyone. I also did this other thing that Pope suggested when I had the odd time of being troubled by something. “Sometimes I write letters to the people I’ve lost or to my younger self. Sometimes, I burn them, and sometimes, I keep them. It’s not about fixing it.It’s about making peace with it.”

“Not really good on putting my thoughts down on paper, but I’ll think about it,” he said.

“Good. And remember this. It’s not about the mistakes you make, Nightmare. It’s what you choose to do after you make them. You wouldn’t be the man you are today if you hadn’t lived it. Remember that. All the good that comes after for the people around you? It’s there. I know you can’t see the forest for the trees when you get down bad like this, but there are a lot of people who wouldn’t be alive and unscathed if it weren’t for you, either. The scales may never balance out. I have trouble with that, too.”I didn’t.Not anymore, but at one time, I had a bit of an existential crisis about it. I kept talking. “But use what time you got left to do what you can, and who knows, after we kick off this mortal coil for good? Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. Like I said, that’s between you an’ your God, but at least we fuckin’ tried, yeah?”

“Thanks, Striker. That actually helps,” he said after almost a full minute of silence while he parsed through what I’d said.

“Anytime, brother. Call me whenever you need to, and when the bad days come, lean into the Bastards. We’re your family now, and we’ve got your back.”

“Guess I need to take my own advice, huh? I’m always telling them the same thing.”

“Exactly. Now go take care of yourself. You’ve got a lot of road ahead, and you’re not riding it alone.”

“Thanks, man. I owe you.”

“No debts here, Nightmare. Just Royal Bastards watching out for each other. Stay safe out there, and keep the shiny side up.”

“You too,” he said and ended the call. I sighed, hung up my end, and looked back to Rarity.

“Sorry about that,” I said.

“No worries,” she said softly. “Sounded important.”

I nodded. “Yeah… kinda was,” I said.

“You field a lot of calls like that?” she asked. She looked a little uncomfortable as if she wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask such a thing.

I smiled. “Not a lot, but I like to be there when someone needs it. Truth be told, I’ve wrestled with some things, but for the most part, I’ve gotten cozy with my demons. It’s… I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m faking it to make it, and I can’t relate with how hard someone takes some of the shit they’ve been through over there.”

She cocked her head and looked at me, searching my face, and finally said, “It’s like you told Nightmare. You balance your scales however you can. Maybe you’ve compartmentalized things enough to get by, but I think you can relate more than you let on. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t know what to say.”

I searched her face right back and found myself nodding slowly.

---