Page 54 of New Year

A few nondescript dreams later, Zack slowly roused to the indescribable sensation of his body still wrapped around Nat’s. Only now, Nat was flat on his stomach, and Zack was practically humping him through their shorts. Nat’s slender body was stiff, unyielding, every muscle tight as iron beneath him. The oddness of it shook Zack fully awake.

The sun was up, giving him enough light to see, but Nat’s face was pressed into the pillow. “Just get it over with,” Nat said, voice muffled but the words still clear.

And horrifying. “What?”

“Please, just do it then let me be.”

“Nat?” Zack slid to the side and sat up, gut sloshing with confusion and fear. Nat didn’t move; he barely seemed to breathe. Was he even awake, or was he having a nightmare? “Nat, it’s Zack. Wake up.” Zack reached out but paused with his fingers inches from Nat’s shoulder, scared of startling him too badly. “Nat.”

Nat’s shoulders flinched then began to loosen. His back heaved as his breathing increased in a way that alarmed Zack. “Fuck,” he panted. “Oh fuck. Zack.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

Zack gently helped Nat sit up so Zack could pull him right into his lap. Wrapped his arms around him and tucked him as close to his body as possible while Nat trembled. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“Kind of. It was more of a flashback.”

“Just get it over with.”

Zack swallowed a growl. “What did Austin do?”

Nat didn’t answer right away, so Zack held him. Stroked his back and shoulders and tried to keep his own breathing steady. Nat’s breaths slowly calmed and the trembling stopped. “We both had to sleep naked, even in winter. He wanted me accessible. Sometimes he’d wake up first and want sex, and he wouldn’t…” Nat sighed, warm breath puffing against Zack’s chest. “He’d just use a little spit, and I’d wake up with him forcing his dick into me.”

Rage washed over Zack like boiling water, both instantly hot and chillingly cold. “I’m so sorry.”

Nat grunted. “I wasn’t always a coward, you know. The first time he did it, I got mad and tried to make him stop. He wrapped his arm around my throat and squeezed until I nearly passed out. It started to really hurt, so I fought again. He just kept choking me until I stopped trying to fight back.”

Zack pulled Nat away so he could look at him. Nat kept his gaze down, but his face was bright red, jaw tight. “You aren’t a coward, Nat. Giving in so someone stops hurting you more isn’t cowardly. You were protecting yourself the best way you knew how. Hey.” He pressed a finger beneath Nat’s chin and gently raised his head. Waited until Nat’s red, watery eyes met his. “I am so fucking sorry that I triggered you.”

“It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t know I’d react like that. I haven’t slept so intimately with someone since I left Austin. Please, don’t blame yourself.”

“How can I not? I care about you, and it kills me to know I hurt you, unintentionally or not.” His throat tightened. “It also kills me to think how many times he did that to you, for your instinctive reaction to be saying to just get it over with.”

Nat took the hand under his chin and held it over his heart. Zack could feel it thudding against his skin. “I know I’ve only mentioned some of the awful things Austin did, but my life with him wasn’t complete hell all the time. Even monsters can be kind sometimes. But even when Austin was showering me with affection and attention, he never made me feel how I feel when I’m with you.”

“Which is how?”

“Safe. I have been chasing safety, yearning for a safe person, for most of my life. I trusted Austin because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know the warning signs, and I was scared to walk away after the first time he hurt me. Scared I was unlovable and that I’d never find another guy who’d accept me and my issues. But I was wrong about both things. I do deserve to be loved. We both do.”

Zack pressed a kiss to Nat’s temple. “Yes, we do. Being with you has helped me remember that, even though I made some huge mistakes and hurt people by proxy, I’m not unlovable. I don’t deserve to stew in my own misery for the rest of time as some form of cosmic penance. I can be happy again. Truly happy and in love.”

Nat’s eyelashes fluttered. “We both can.” His eyes seemed to silently ask,With each other?

Zack tried to reply,Absolutely, with each otherwithout words. He didn’t have the words yet, but one day he hoped he found them. And when he found them, he prayed he had the courage to say them. Today, they had a celebration to attend. Together. “How do you feel about a shower? I’ll scrub your back for you.”

“That sounds amazing.”

* * *

Nat’s utter humiliation over this morning’s flashback/panic attack dissolved under Zack’s tender, sweet attention. From the long, hot shower that left Nat more relaxed, but nowhere in the neighborhood of feeling sexy or turned-on, to the simple breakfast of French toast and bacon, Nat felt more like his usual self by the time Chase knocked on their door at ten.

Since it was July and stupidly hot out, they were all dressed down in shorts and t-shirts. The combo was the most casual he’d seen Chase. Even on the mornings when Chase needed Nat’s help early, Chase was always dressed and groomed by the time Nat arrived. Today, he was embracing relaxed comfort over prim and proper.

Zack drove them toward the big public parking lot that serviced Neighborhood Shindig, as well as other surrounding businesses. He did drop Chase and Nat off in front of the gates before he went to park. Chase had his cane but wasn’t leaning on it very hard, so taking a few days off to save up his energy seemed to have worked in his favor. When Zack rejoined them, they went inside the bustling business park, which was festooned in red, white and blue décor, alongside the familiar Pride flags.

Right inside, a cart vendor was selling snow cones, and near the pavilion, a young woman had set up a face-painting table. A general din of conversation and laughter amped up the overall festive energy of the place, and Nat found himself smiling for no reason at all. They wandered as a trio, checking out the daily specials on the food trucks’ boards, as well as the sales at the various retail pods. When the first musical act began at eleven, they bought drinks at a vending machine and settled at a picnic table to listen.

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