Page 59 of New Year

“Yeah, he did.”

“Do you want to tell me about how he pushed you to leave him?”

“No, but I need to. I need to talk about it.” Nat finally unfolded his legs and stretched them out over Zack’s lap. The intimate posture change sent a joyful flutter through Zack’s chest. Nat’s hands rested on his lap, fingers twisted together. But he looked at Zack when he spoke, instead of down. “We were living together when Tim’s exploded. I was near the end of my rope then, but I hadn’t…the noose wasn’t tight enough. Not until I nearly died that night, and I saw two people I care about nearly die, too.”

“I cannot imagine how terrified you were.”

“All the terror was after. I just remember putting a stool on the bar, and then I was coughing and my arm was killing me, and Sasha was screaming my name. We found Angelo and got him out. I don’t think it hit me until paramedics were stabilizing my wrist and they said I’d likely fractured it. The adrenaline wore off. At the hospital, I gave them Austin’s number to call as my emergency contact.” A single tear slipped from Nat’s right eye. “He didn’t come until the next morning. I was alone for ten hours.”

“Fucker.” Two of Zack’s knuckles popped. He forced his hands to relax so he didn’t spontaneously sprain something. “Why? Just because he’s an asshole?”

“He told me that because I had a closing shift, he fell asleep early with his ringer off, which I believed because I was on painkillers, but I found out later it wasn’t the truth. He was great during my discharge, attentive, asked the doctor and nurses questions. Even when we were alone, he assured me it was okay that I wouldn’t have a job for a while. I could still earn my keep.”

Alarms screamed in the back of Zack’s brain. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It was something that slid into our relationship so slowly that, by the time it escalated, I didn’t know how to stop it. Or say no. Not until after the last time.”

“Sweetheart.” Nat didn’t protest when Zack pulled him across the sofa so Nat was in Zack’s favorite position: right on Zack’s lap. “Please, tell me. I won’t judge you for anything, you know that.”

“I know.” Nat rested his head on Zack’s shoulder, obscuring his face, but that was okay. If Nat needed to confess to Zack’s chest, he’d listen and accept and love him. “Austin loves social media. He lives for the attention. The validation. After we were together for about six months, he convinced me to open an account on a private video site. Featuring the two of us. Having sex behind a paywall, for paying subscribers.”

So many things snapped into place for Zack. Comments and insinuations from Nat, and the pieces Zack had filled in on his own. “He made you have sex on that website after you’d nearly died? How soon after?”

“Four days.” Before Zack could launch off the sofa, Nat said, “He tried four days after. We drove an hour to this guy’s house, who’d paid extra for us to film live in front of him. But when the host saw me, he hesitated. Then while we were setting up the camera, he changed his mind.” Nat coughed. “He looked at me, and it was the first time I saw real pity in someone’s face. He paid Austin for gas and his time driving out, but that was it. No upload. No live. Austin lost money. So he took it out on me at home.”

“Fuck.”

“It’s okay.” Nat clutched at Zack’s shoulders, his entire body shuddering once. “But it was Austin’s complete carelessness with me that did it. Chasing clout and money, and completely forgetting I was a real person he was using for both. I was as much of a prop to him as his phone or his ring light. But I also knew I couldn’t leave until my arm healed, so I put up with it. Did what I was told, when I was told. And then the fundraiser for Tim’s rebuilding fund happened.”

“I take it Austin didn’t like that you were participating?”

“No, he didn’t, because it took my attention off him. But I stood my ground, and I helped Sasha organize things. It wasn’t until Austin found out that Angelo was also involved that things escalated to physical violence.”

New fury rippled through Zack, and he fought to maintain his composure when everything in him insisted he find something to punish. Or someone. “Tell me. Please?”

Nat shuddered. “Two days before the fundraiser, Austin got drunk and wanted sex. At this point, I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, but complying was easier than fighting. Easier than tipping him off to how close I was to leaving him. But in the middle of fucking me, he just punched me in the face. I was so startled that I didn’t do anything at first. When he hit me again, I tried to fight back, to get him off me, but he just put a pillow over my face and kept going until he came. Honest to Christ, Zack, I thought he was going to suffocate me. That I was dead because of what he said while he was doing it.”

Pure, unadulterated rage coursed through Zack’s body, hot and stifling, that his sweet, gentle Nat had been beaten and raped, had his life threatened by someone who’d once pretended to care about him. It took all of Zack’s strength to keep his voice steady and ask, “Which was what?”

Nat sat up. His face was streaked with tears that seemed to be falling on their own accord. Nat’s body was crying for its own pain, while his mind was occupied elsewhere. “He said I better not dare go back to working at Tim’s, or he’d have to blow it up again.”

Zack’s entire body jerked, hot rage replaced by cold shock. “What? He took credit for the boiler explosion?”

“Yes. I don’t know if he was telling the truth or just trying to scare me into submission, but I believed him. That’s when I made the decision to leave, and I did. Because his job is social media, and he was home a lot, I had to wait for him to leave the apartment, so I could put stuff into a backpack and finally run.”

“My God, Nat. I suspected the things you told me, but fuck.”

“It sounds so much worse when it’s said out loud.”

“But sometimes saying it can take away some of its power over us. Thank you for being honest with me. Your trust is a generous gift.”

“You can’t tell anyone what I said about Austin and the boiler. He’d kill me if he knew I repeated it.”

“With time and hindsight, do you think he could have tampered with the boiler? Actually cause an explosion that could have killed people?”

“I don’t know. Which is almost as scary as saying yes, because it means I can’t rule out the possibility. Even though the fire inspectors ruled it an accident and not arson…you never know. But I also can’t think of a way he could have done it, unless he broke in without being detected. They have security systems. So, it was probably bullshit.”

“But you also believe Austin is capable of such terror.”

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