Page 76 of New Year

“No, but…my shrink has suggested I should. That sharing it with someone I care about will take some weight off, allow them to help shoulder the load.”

“Your shrink isn’t wrong. And I’m not asking for any of those details. That is your private pain, and while I hope one day you feel comfortable sharing it with me, you need to talk to Zack first. He’s your partner. He loves you.”

“And I lo—” He wouldn’t say it out loud for the first time to someone else. “Care for him so much it hurts. I know he’ll listen. I know he won’t judge. I’m just scared of finding out I’m wrong.”

“About Zack?”

“About how lovable I really am.” Nat’s face flamed, and he turned away, ashamed of himself for so being weak in front of his boss. But Chase was also his friend, and he’d never felt judged by the older man.

The sofa creaked and then Chase’s hand was resting on his shoulder. “Talk to Zack when he gets home.”

Nat couldn’t dislodge the lump from his throat, so he nodded that he would. He’d put off this conversation for far too long. Zack had been incredibly patient these last few weeks, through Nat’s nightmares and panic attacks, and through his inability to say, “I love you” back each time Zack said those three perfect, precious words.

But that was Nat’s issue to face and overcome. Zack deserved to be loved by someone with their whole heart, and until Nat freed the last small, broken piece of his heart from his mother’s grasp…he’d never be the person Zack deserved.

* * *

Zack finished his paperwork at nine-thirty, and instead of hanging around until close, he checked in with his assistant manager, and then left River Bistro early. In his car, he texted Nat that he was on his way home. Before he was out of the parking lot, Nat replied with a thumbs-up emoji.

Coming home to Nat was his favorite thing in the world. Even if Nat wasn’t home when Zack returned, eventually, they would be reunited. Nearly losing Nat last month had put the important things in Zack’s life into stark perspective. This was the life he wanted: managing River Bistro; being Chase’s friend and neighbor; loving Nat for as long as Nat wanted to be in his life.

He loved Nathaniel Hawking with his whole heart and being, and while he understood Nat’s hesitancy to say the words…sometimes it stung. And it made him doubt.

He often wondered if it was because Nat doubted him. They’d talked about that awful afternoon in the mountains. The things Austin had done to Nat; the things Nat had done to survive. Zack didn’t blame Nat for any of it, especially not the sexual assault. It absolutely killed Zack inside that he hadn’t been able to save Nat from that violation, despite understanding, intellectually, that he couldn’t have stopped it. He tried to say it and show Nat that every single day, accepting Nat’s affection, and respecting his physical limits.

They’d made love three times since that day, always when Nat initiated it, and Zack welcomed the intimacy. Adored their kisses and touches and everything that made them both come. But it felt…distant. As if Nat wasn’t yet all-in with their relationship, and Zack needed to speak up.

He had to address it before the microscopic distance between them became an impassable chasm.

Chase’s windows were dark when Zack parked in his spot, but the porch light to his place shined bright behind the black iron gate. Zack didn’t mind all the extra steps in security, not if they kept his family safe. Once he’d set the alarm inside the apartment, he observed the empty kitchen and living room. Only the floor lamp in the corner was still on, giving the space an orange glow.

He didn’t hear the shower running, and the bedroom light was on, so after toeing off his shoes, Zack walked toward the only place his boyfriend could be. He naively hoped to find Nat in bed, maybe in a sexy pose, anticipating Zack’s return.

Instead, Nat stood in front of the dresser mirror in just his briefs, staring at his reflection as if he’d never seen it before. The position gave Zack his profile and hid the worst of the scars from his immediate view, but he knew where each one lay. Every pale line or fissure of unhealed skin. Nat had opted not to bother with the cost of a plastic surgeon. With no insurance, his medical bills had already been astronomical, but he and Zack had worked out a repayment plan. Zack had been willing to pay for plastic surgery, if Nat had wanted to reduce the size of his scars, especially the slice on his left shoulder.

Nat insisted on keeping them.

“Hey,” Zack said. “Checking your body for signs of early grays?”

Nat huffed out his familiarI’m humoring your sillinesslaugh. “Trying to see what you see when you look at me.”

“I see someone I love very much. I see a strong man who has overcome so much trauma and adversity, and he’s still standing. Fighting. Being an outstanding friend and lover.”

“I haven’t been much of a lover lately, though, have I?”

Zack took two long strides into the room. “I’ve never complained.”

“You never do complain. I could squat right here and take a shit on this carpet, and you’d be so kind about it. You’d want to know why I thought I had to do that, or if I needed to talk about it. You wouldn’t get mad, you’d want to figure it out.”

“Because, going with your example, I’d know you weren’t shitting on the carpet out of malice. That’s not you. I’d know something was wrong, and I’d want to understand it, because that’s what a loving partner does.”

“And that’s what I don’t understand, I guess.” Nat turned to face him, and Zack tried not to stare at the short, oblong scar on his chest that lived far too close to his heart. That blade could have easily killed Nat, but it had miraculously missed every major organ and artery. “I’m not used to people who love me trying to understand me. I’m used to being used or belittled or smacked around. And I’m trying, because I don’t want to fuck this up, Zack. This thing we have, but I don’t understand.”

“Okay.” Zack took Nat’s hand and drew him over to the bed so they could sit. “What can I explain? How can I help you understand what’s confusing you?”

“Why don’t you want to have sex with me?”

“Why—what? Right now?”

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